


The Things We Tell Ourselves to Get By

by jldreyer



Series: SNAFU (Situation Normal All F***ed Up) [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Infidelity-kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2018-03-25 12:03:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3809692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jldreyer/pseuds/jldreyer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain America is found, Loki comes to Earth, Phil Coulson dies. These are just a few of the things Clint's been dealing with lately. Oh, and he's also beating himself up for having an affair. But everything is "okay." </p>
<p>Or, that's just one of the things he's been telling himself to get by.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have finally gotten around to editing this story to my liking. In doing so, I decided to cut the story up. The first part takes place right before Loki shows up, and ends right before the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D.
> 
> I know that a lot has been made about the timeline of when stuff happens in the MCU, but the dates I have chosen to go by are those that were in place before Spiderman: Homecoming came along and made us all question the dates. I'm sticking with them.
> 
> In this story and the ones that will come after, I have added my own character, Dr. Zoe Novak, to the mix of things, and even though in Age of Ultron, we find out that Clint is married with kids, I've decided to include Zoe as well as the canon relationship in this story.
> 
> I do not own any of the Marvel characters, although it would be awesome if I did. They belong to Marvel, and since the versions I use in this story are from the films not the comics, they also belong to Paramount and Disney. I do however own Dr. Zoe Novak. I have researched the medical stuff and I apologize if it is incorrect. I also used Google translate so if the words are translated incorrectly, I apologize for that as well. Please read and review.
> 
> © Jennifer Dreyer 2018 (If you want to borrow anything from one of my stories, please ask before doing so.)

 

* * *

The last couple of months had been even more crazy than what even Clint was used to, and it had all started with the training exercise on March nineteenth. Fury had called him into his office the night before the exercise to brief him personally, letting him know that his objective was to infiltrate the Helicarrier.

Once on board, he was to get past Natasha, who was guarding the Avenger Initiative dossiers, and get out without being captured. Luckily for him, the Helicarrier was currently stationed off New York, sitting in the Atlantic Ocean, and with the blizzard that was predicted, he'd be able to conceal himself easily.

Thankfully, the exercise had gone off without a hitch, at least according to Natasha, who if Clint was right, and he was, enjoyed stunning him a bit too much and that night she, Phil and Dr. Zoe Novak (SHIELD agent/surgeon and doctor attached to Strike Team Delta) joined him for a quiet dinner at one of their favorite restaurants in the East Village, the Red Head.

xxxx

Clint had heard the rumors that he and Natasha were still lovers. But, he always had to laugh when someone mentioned it in front of him because, even though they had had a relationship, it only lasted a few months. That’s how long it took for them to realize that they were better off as best friends/siblings and ever since then they had each other’s backs as partners and family.

Before Natasha, Clint’s most important relationship at S.H.E.I.L.D. had been with Phil Coulson. It was never a romantic one, but nonetheless it always left Clint feeling a little confused. Phil was the father/brother/best buddy Clint had never had, but should have, and when he finally figured that out, Phil became one of the things that Clint couldn’t live without.

Just when Clint thought that everything might finally be working out for him personally and professionally, fate decided to throw Zoe into the mix. It took a while for her to be accepted into their triumvirate, which is saying something as, no one up until that point had been able to do so. But Zoe somehow managed it, and did so, by slotting into the sister/best friend (Clint), daughter/best friend (Phil) and best friend/sister (Natasha) role and this dynamic between the four of them translated into their reputations at S.H.E.I.L.D. gaining legend status. However, after the mission to Budapest in March of 2004, things changed.

xxxx

It had been a clusterfuck of a mission from the get go and according to Phil, the only way that he, Natasha and Clint had survived was Zoe's quick thinking and training. Unfortunately, they were the only ones, Alpha and Beta team's injuries too severe for her to do anything about.

It took a total of one week for the four of them to be cleared by medical. Zoe completed the clearances, as she had not been injured physically, and since she had become the only doctor on staff that Clint and Natasha trusted, after everything they had just gone through, she agreed to take them on as her patients. Hurting physically and emotionally, Clint and Natasha headed for his farm to recuperate. However, the minute Laura got a glimpse of them, she lost it and after a pretty spectacular shouting match, she kicked them out and with Clint in shock about possibly losing his wife, again, Natasha took the keys and drove them to Phil's apartment.

They arrived at Phil's to be greeted at the front door by a sleep-mussed Zoe, who took one look at them and ushered them into the guest room she had been sleeping in, not listening to their protests that they could just head back to NY HQ. Over the next week, Zoe took care of Phil, Natasha and Clint, mostly Clint, who had taken the worst of the physical injuries.

The week passed quickly, and on the morning of the nineteenth of April, the three of them surprised Zoe with a birthday cupcake as the start of her birthday celebration. That night they all went out for dinner at L'Ecole and when halfway through their meal, Phil and Natasha were called away for a mission, Clint and Zoe simply finished eating and headed back to Zoe's apartment. Once there, all it took was one look and the next thing Clint knew, they were in bed slowly taking each other apart.

xxxx

Thinking about it now, Clint is not surprised that they ended up in bed. He had been attracted to her from the beginning, her toned and curvy body, short auburn hair, brown eyes and no-nonsense way about doing her job, had made the attraction instantaneous. However, his fling with Natasha had left him feeling guilty about cheating on Laura and he had vowed to never cheat again.

Of course, Budapest had thrown a wrench in everything and with how much he was hurting physically and mentally, and Zoe being right there, it made sense that it had happened. A few months after their first time, while Zoe was out on an op, Laura had called and asked him to “come back home.”

The first words out of her mouth when he stepped through the door were, “I still support everything you do for S.H.I.E.L.D., but you need to stop coming home so beat up. This family needs you. I need you.”

He promised to try and be more careful, just like he always did when they fought about his job and they gave it another shot and a month later she had told him that she was pregnant. Again, he vowed to himself that he would call things off with Zoe, however, as he realizes now, this would be the start of the pattern that he has been following for the past eight years.

xxxx

Anyway, back to the night of the training exercise. Over homemade pretzels and Low Country Shrimp, Clint, Phil, Natasha and Zoe unwound and simply savored the fact that they were all together in the same place, for what would turn out to be the last time, as the following day would begin a series of events that would eventually lead up to the Battle for New York. While Natasha and Phil were sent off on separate missions, Clint and Zoe were sent on a month-long do over mission to Tashkent, together.

At the end of the mission, which surprisingly ended a couple of days early, but was successful this time around, Clint was ordered to the JDEM facility, after medical cleared him.

The day after he arrived, the news came that Steve Rogers had been found in the ice and had been shipped back to New York HQ under Zoe's care. Phil left to go see if it was really his childhood idol and remembering the look of complete childlike glee that had been on his face, brings a smirk to Clint's face now, as Phil's love for all things Captain America has always been an ongoing source of teasing.

xxxx

“Barton. Clint!”

Lifting his eyes up from where he has been staring at his food, Clint's eyes meet the concerned stare of Phil Coulson, “sir?”

Quickly glancing around the cafeteria and then back at Clint, “I asked if you were feeling okay?”

Also, quickly glancing around and grimacing as a shiver runs up his spine, “yeah. Sorry. Was just thinking.”

Frowning, as he can tell just by looking at Clint that he's not feeling well, “really?”

Grimace turning into a frown, looking Phil in the eye, “I'm fine, Phil.” and checking his watch, “as a matter of fact, I'm due on shift in ten minutes.”

With that he, gets up and as he picks up his still mostly full tray of food, “I'll see you later tonight.”

Opening his mouth to reply, but closing it at the glare that Clint shoots him over his shoulder, Phil simply nods and watches as Clint walks out of the cafeteria. As soon as he is out of sight, Phil reaches up to the com in his ear, to activate it, “Coulson to Dr. Novak.”

“Zoe here. What can I do for you Agent Coulson?”

Smiling to himself, as he doesn't miss the smirk in her voice, “I was wondering if you've seen Agent Barton this morning?”

Chuckling a little, “you know that I have, Phil. Why do you ask?”

Standing up and taking his tray with him to toss on his way out of the cafeteria, “okay, okay. I know that you have. But, I just had lunch with him, and he hardly touched his food. He also zoned out on me completely and that never happens.”

“Let me guess, you want me to check on him, even though he was fine when he left me this morning.”

Sighing, “would you mind?”

Matching his sigh, “Phil, you know as well as I do that getting Clint to listen to medical advice is like pulling teeth.”

Getting on the elevator and hitting the button for the control center, “I do know. But…”

“Okay. I'll check on him.”

Letting out another sigh, this time in relief, “thanks Zoe. I just…”

“I know Phil. Me too. I'll see if I can corner him in his nest.”

Nodding at a few of the techs that look at him as he steps off the elevator, “great. I'll see you later tonight.”

As Zoe signs off and Phil focuses on the folder that he just accepted as he stepped off the lift, he quirks his lips a little, as the thought of getting to have dinner with two of his favorite people that night settles in his mind.

xxxx

Clint had known that he was in for the tag team approach the moment he left Phil in the cafeteria. He also knew that Phil was only looking out for him, something that even after all these years was a foreign feeling. Having grown up the way he did, it still amazed him that he was lucky enough to not only have Phil in his life, but Natasha, Laura and Zoe as well.

And speaking of Zoe, he grimaces to himself as he catches sight of her walking across the catwalk towards his nest, out of the corner of his eye, “Coulson sent you after me, didn't he?”

Settling down next to him on his right side, sliding her left hand through his arm to grip his right hand, but keeping her eyes on the activity going on below them, “I can't just come and say hi?”

Turning his head to look at her, his eyes catch the sandwich that she has in her right hand, and instead of answering her question, he asks her, “is that peanut butter and honey?”

Smiling and handing over the aforementioned sandwich, “yeah. Phil mentioned that you hadn't eaten most of your lunch.” and looking back down at the tesseract, “he also mentioned that he thought you might not be feeling well.”

Letting go of her hand and standing up quickly, ignoring how the catwalk spins a little, “I knew it!” he hisses out quietly.

Standing up as well, stepping into his personal space and reaching for the hem of his jacket, gazing at his chest, “Clint, please don't…”

Sighing and leaning forward so that their foreheads are touching, “sorry. It's just that I told him I was fine and he never listens.”

Matching his sigh, but pulling back a little, “of course he doesn't listen. You tell everyone your fine, even when you're bleeding out from a bullet wound.” and feeling him tense under her hands, she leans forward and brushes a light kiss across his lips, “I can make it an order and stay with you this afternoon. I'm off duty for the rest of the day.”

Leaning forward and returning the brush of a kiss, “as amazing as that sounds, I'm not doing much more than watching the egg heads. It's not like I'm going into a combat zone and need to be at a hundred percent.”

Latching onto his omission, raising an eyebrow in surprise, “so you're finally admitting to not feeling a hundred percent?”

Glaring at her, “that's not what I said Zoe and you know it. Give me a break. Please?”

“Okay, but tonight you let me take care of you.”

Smiling at her and leaning in to kiss her again, “yes ma'am.”

They spend a few seconds kissing, before he reluctantly pulls away and as he resumes his squat, he looks up at her and asks, “Dog Cops?”

She smiles and leans down to kiss his forehead, “sure, if that's what it takes to keep you in bed.”

Straightening up, she turns to head for the door leading off the catwalk, “although I thought we might do something a little more…”

“Now that's…unfair.” he whisper-grits out as he is up out of his squat and wraping his arms around her before she can reach the door.

Laughing, as she wraps her arms around his neck and meets his eyes, “when have we ever played fair?” and pulling out of his arms, heading for the door again, “I'll see you later נץ קטן (little hawk)”

He smirks at her retreating back and taking up his position again, he refocuses his eyes on his charges.

xxxx

Three hours later, just as he is about to go off shift, he sees Director Fury walking into the lab area, already directing his questions about the tesseracts' behavior to Dr. Selvig.

Knowing without a doubt that Fury is going to want to talk to him, he waits for his summons and as Fury's, “Agent Barton report” comes over his com, he slides down the rope and stepping up to Fury's side, he nods his greeting.

They start to make a circuit of the room and before Clint can say anything, “I gave you this detail so you could keep a close eye on things.”

Without looking at Fury, but keeping stride with him as they head for the tesseract, “well, I see better from a distance.”

Keeping his eye on the tesseract and gesturing at it, “are you seeing anything that might set this thing off?”

Following Fury up onto the platform where the tesseract is being held, “no one's come or gone. Selvig's clean. No contacts. No IMs.” and crossing his arms over his chest, looking at the tesseract, “if there was any tampering, sir, it wasn't at this end.”

Looking from the tesseract to Barton, “at this end?”

Looking between the tesseract and Fury, “yeah, the cube is a doorway to the other end of space, right? The door's open from both sides.”

What happens next has Clint wishing that he had taken Zoe up on her offer to spend the afternoon in bed with her. He fights back, protecting Fury from getting shot by Loki, and as he is struggling to get to his feet and feels the spear touch his chest, right over his heart, he offers up a silent apology to Phil, Zoe, Laura and Natasha that he won't be around to have their

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

“ _You have heart.”_

“ _Captain. It would be my genuine pleasure.”_

“ _Phil is dead_.”

Eyes snapping open, breathing heavily, it takes a few minutes more than it usually does for Clint to catch his breath. Once he gets it under control, he realizes that he's in the same med-bay room as before the battle and that this time the end of the bed is facing the door, with the bathroom on his right. However, there are some differences between then and now. For starters, this time around, he is wearing a pair of infirmary scrubs and he can feel that his back is covered in bandages. The next thing that registers is the pain that is radiating through his body, but is concentrated mostly to his back, his head and his left knee. Closing his eyes, he pushes the pain to the side as much as he can and tries to remember how he ended up back in the infirmary.

It takes a second, but the last thing he remembers is the Shawarma restaurant. The moment they had sat down at the table, Natasha had helped him lift his left leg up on the chair behind her and before she could remove her hand, he tapped out his question about Laura and the kids in Morse code. He knew that the contingency to have them moved if he had been compromised would have been followed, but he wanted to be sure. She tapped out her affirmative response and as he let out a breath in relief, they had refocused on the rest of the team.

About two hours later, having just finished his last bite of pita, it occurred to him that he had yet to hear from Phil or Zoe. Catching Natasha’s eye, Clint had asked what to him seemed like a perfectly simple question. Of course, had he known what the answer would be, he probably would not have asked it until he and Natasha were alone and he wasn't running on fumes.

As it turns out, not sleeping for three days, eating just the bare minimum to keep oneself functioning and being mind-controlled by a demi-g-d wreaks havoc on the human body.

xxxx

He blinks his eyes open again trying to get them to focus and just as he is about to have a slight freak out that his vision is not clear, “ow!” he jerks his arm out of the nurses' hand and glares at her, “I kinda need my arm. Do you mind?”

Hearing his voice, Natasha and Steve turn from the conversation they had been having at the door to his room, and as they step inside, “is there a problem nurse?” Steve asks, as Natasha quickly makes her way over to Clint's side.   

Glaring right back at Natasha and Clint, and then gripping Clint's arm again, this time with a bit more care, she looks over at Steve, “no Captain. There's no problem.”

Seeing the frown on her face, Steve glances at Natasha, and realizing that she is a moment away from physically harming this nurse, “then please just do your job.”

“Actually, don't.”

All eyes focus on the entrance to room, and before anyone else can say anything, “please leave the room Callie. I'll take it from here.”

Stepping away from Clint's side and handing Zoe the IV kit, “yes doctor Novak.”

Accepting the IV kit and stepping towards Clint's side, Zoe stops short as both Steve and Natasha step between her and the bed. Seeing the identical warning looks on their faces, “Tasha, I'm not going to harm him.”

“He's right here, you know.”

Steve and Natasha turn to look at Clint and taking advantage of the distraction, Zoe quickly steps over to his left side, reaching for his arm, “yes Clint. You are.” and opening the IV kit, she wraps his bicep with the rubber band, “you know the drill.”

Making a fist, he lets out a sigh and letting his head fall back against the pillows, he focuses on Steve and Natasha, who are looking at him strangely, “what?”

Keeping her focus on Clint, “Steve, can you go see where Stark, Banner and Thor are? I'm sure they'll want to know that Barton is up.”

Shifting his gaze from Clint to Natasha, “but.”

Wincing as the needle pierces the skin on his left forearm, but keeping his eyes locked on Steve, “please Cap. I need to…speak with Nat and…Dr. Novak for a second.”

Looking between the three of them, “okay, but we need to debrief. I don't know how much longer Fury will give us.”

“He'll give us as much time as I tell him to give us.” and looking up from taping down the IV port to Clint's forearm, “the Director knows that medical care comes first and if he has any problems with it, send him my way.”

Smiling at Zoe, “are you sure you want to deal with him?”

Returning Steve's smile, “yes. Don't worry Captain. It won't be the first time.”

As soon as Steve has shut the door behind him, Clint smiles at Zoe, but immediately it turns into a frown as he sees the tears that she is trying to keep from falling.

Reaching out gingerly with his left hand, holding in the wince as his body protests the movement, “hey Zo, come on, we don't do tears. You know that.”

Grasping his hand tightly, she sits down on the side of the bed, her left hip touching his, and as she feels Natasha's arms wrap around her from behind, “I know. I do. It's just that...Phil's gone and I almost lost the two of you as well, and with what Natasha told me before, I might've just as well have lost you too, cause we can't continue doing what we've been doing. It's not fair to…”

Glaring at Natasha and cutting Zoe off, “she told you…”

Returning his glare, but tightening her grip on Zoe just a little bit, “ya skazal yey pravdu, malo yastreb. Kakoy vy dolzhny sdelat' let nazad.” (I told her the truth, little hawk. Which you should have done years ago.)

Leaning forward, he pulls Zoe out of Natasha's arms and into his, resting his chin on her right shoulder, “yest' li u vas teper' ispol'zovat' russkiy?” (Do you have to use Russian right now?)

Smirking at him, but resting her hand on his cheek, “Ya delayu, potomu chto ona ne govorit, i ya mogu krichat' na vas bez krichat' na vas.” (I do, because she does not speak it and I can yell at you without yelling at you.)

Hiccupping into his shoulder, as she tries to get herself under control, “oh…you…two…really are so…stupid sometimes.”

Pulling back a little, looking from Natasha to Zoe, “excuse me?”

Wiping the tears away from her face with the sleeve of her jacket, “Fil nauchil menya russkiy...dva goda nazad.” (Phil taught me Russian…two years ago.) and seeing the looks of sadness that cross both their faces, “oh if only he was…” she dissolves into tears again and this time when Clint wraps her in his arms, Natasha wraps her arms around them, basically sandwiching Zoe in the middle.

They stay locked in the embrace until, “I'm sorry Agents, but Mister Stark, Dr. Banner, Captain Rogers and Thor are on their way. They are trying to keep Director Fury and Deputy Director Hill from barging in, but are not having any luck. They will be here in one minute.”

They all startle slightly at the sound of Jarvis' voice coming over the speaker in the med-bay room, but being the agents that they are, they simply untangle themselves.

Zoe stands up and fiddling with the IV, she wipes her eyes with her sleeve again. Natasha takes a seat next to the bed in the ever-present chair, also wiping her tears away and Clint, closes his eyes and slumps against the pillow, saying, “this should be fun.”

Zoe and Natasha just smile at each other, as they know that Clint is right, but before either of them can say anything, Tony, Bruce, Steve, Thor, Fury and Maria, all try to barge in at once. Since the room is too small, however, everyone but Fury, Maria, Zoe, Natasha and Clint remain.

Of course, Clint was right and he thanks his lucky stars that Zoe stayed, because half way through the debriefing, he starts to flag and he knows that had she not stepped in and cited medical overrides, the debriefing would still be going on.

Instead, Fury just glared at Zoe, but conceded that it would be best if as soon as she was satisfied, Clint and Natasha should join the rest of the Avengers and “get lost for two days, until Thor can take Loki back to Asgard.”

With that parting shot, Fury and Maria left and a few hours later, Clint, Zoe and Natasha were all back at Stark Tower with the rest of the Avengers.

xxxx

“Tasha, you told me that he has a wife and two kids! How is what we've been doing the past eight years not cheating!?”

“Shh Zoe. You said yourself that he needs to sleep.”

Huffing out a slightly hysterical sounding laugh, she runs her hand through her hair as she meets Natasha's bruised looking eyes, “if I remember correctly, I sent all of you off to take showers and get some sleep.” and sitting down hard on the sofa, “I did tell everyone to do that, didn't I Jarvis?”

“You did indeed Doctor and before you ask, everyone is following your orders except for Agents Romanoff and Barton.”

Considering the bedroom where she and Natasha had deposited Clint when they arrived at Stark tower, she lets out a very annoyed sigh and standing up, she stalks into the room. As the lights come up just enough for her to see, she points a finger at Clint, who is blinking back at her, a very sheepish look on his face, “don't you dare say that we woke you. I know you too well to fall for that.”

Seeing the anger on her face and seeing Natasha very quietly sliding into the room behind her, “I'm sorry Zo.” and as she and Natasha climb onto the bed, Natasha on his left side and Zoe on his right, “Tasha and Phil told me I should've broken things off with you right after we hooked up that first time. But…”

“But you're you.”

Turning his head slowly on the pillow, smiling a little at Natasha, “now you see why I couldn't give her up?”

Matching his smile, and lying down next to him, “yes, I do see why.”

Looking down at the two of them and then at the IV that is still attached to Clint, “thank you. But it still doesn’t excuse what we’ve been doing.” and bringing her gaze back to them, “but for now, get some more sleep. Tomorrow you can call Laura and let her know that you're relatively okay and that you'll be home in a few days.”

Gripping her hand hard, “Zoe.”

Bringing his hand up to her lips, she kisses the inside of his wrist and looking him in the eyes, “yes Clint. We,” she motions between the three of them, “are all going to go see her and explain everything.”

Sitting up quickly, “why do I have to go with you?”

Looking at Natasha, “because someone will have to keep an eye on the kids while we talk and I have a feeling that they love you.” and seeing the protest that Clint is about to make, “look guys, we just lost Phil. You've both been through more craziness over the past week then we've seen in a long time and I'm in love with a married man, who has two kids. I think we could all use a little time off and I know for a fact that you're not going to be cleared for at least a month, Clint. So, we might as well take the time.”

Bringing her hand to his lips and returning the kiss to her wrist, “a month?”

Smiling and shaking her head, as she lets him pull her down next to him so he is sandwiched between the two women, “at least. I'm still not certain that I won't have to operate on your knee and you’re fighting off something as well.”

Settling more snugly next to him so that her right arm is draped over his stomach, resting on his and Natasha’s hands, she continues, “but you're at the tail end of that, so it's really just your knee, the cuts on your back and the concussion we have to worry about.”

Lifting her head off Clint's left shoulder, “so that's why you told us to get some sleep?”

Also, lifting her head up, “just a few of the reasons. Yes.”

Resting her head on Clint's shoulder again, “okay then, we sleep.”

Yawning and fighting to keep his eyes open, “we sleep.”

Smiling to herself, Zoe listens to the two of them breathe until she is certain that they are down for the count. Thankful that they seem to be oblivious to the world for once, knowing that it is only because they are injured, exhausted and that their subconscious minds catalogued her as safe after the first mission they all went on together, she quietly and carefully gets out of the bed and heads for the living room of the suite.

As she sits down on the couch, “Dr. Novak, may I ask you question that I have been curious about since you arrived?”

Sinking into the couch, letting out a relieved sigh, “of course.”

“Over the years of my existence, I have cataloged many reactions to my presence within all the facets of Mister Stark’s life. Most of the reactions tend towards surprise…”

Smirking a little, “you’re wondering why I am so at ease with the idea of you?”

With what could only be described as surprise on Jarvis’ part, “indeed.”

Chuckling as she runs a hand over her face, trying to wake herself up, “well Jarvis, I guess it’s because of Phil. After the first time he met you, he told me about you.”

“He was certainly a good man. He will be missed.”

The certainty with which Jarvis says this, hits her like a freight train and before she can stop it, a sob tears free, as the enormity of everything that has taken place over the past few days overwhelms her.

Leaning forward, she buries her face in her hands and she tries to stifle the sobs so that she won’t wake up Clint or Natasha. A few minutes later, just as she gets herself under control, “I am sorry Dr. Novak. I did not mean to upset you.”

Shaking her head a little, as she reaches for a tissue from the box on the coffee table, “it wasn’t you Jarvis.” and blowing her nose, “I’m just a mess right now.”

“Well then, may I suggest focusing on what you know best?”

Wiping her eyes again, trying to smile, “you’re right.”

“Good. Then may I also suggest setting up an alarm to remind you to check on Agent Barton?”

Leaning against the back of the couch again, she locates one of the cameras, “yes, please and could you give me a rundown of everyone's vitals on my StarkPad?

“Certainly, and since I have set an alarm, you should probably follow your own advice and get some sleep as well.”

Sitting up to grab her StarkPad, “I plan on it, once I've gone over this.” and scanning her eyes over each of the readouts, she notices something blinking in her inbox. Tapping on the mail app to open it, “son of a bitch!” she whisper-shouts.

Standing up quickly, she heads for the door that will take her to the elevator, “Jarvis do me a favor and wake Natasha and Clint every two hours. I have to head back to S.H.I.E.L.D. to take care of something.”

Opening the elevator doors for her quickly as he can tell she's in a hurry, “does this have anything to do with the non-disclosure agreement you just received in your inbox from Director Fury?”

Stepping out onto the landing pad and striding across it for the Quinjet that is hovering there, “yes. Yes, it does. Keep me up to date on everyone. I should hopefully be back in a few hours.”

“Good luck doctor.”


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

“I'm here! What couldn't wait until forty-eight hours from now and would require me to sign…” Zoe trails off as she storms into her office at NY HQ to find Nick Fury leaning against her desk, looking more tired than she has ever seen him, “sir?”

Letting out a sigh, “I'm fine doctor.” and gesturing towards the chair behind her desk, “I think you're going to want to sit down for this conversation.”

Walking around her desk, she takes a seat and as she places her StarkPad down, “why did you send me the NDA?”

Standing up, he turns to reach for the phone on the desk and punching in 5-8-9, he takes a seat across from her, “did you sign it yet?”

“No sir, not yet.” and reaching for her StarkPad she opens the email app to bring up the document. She immediately signs it, adding her thumb print verification. That done, she hands the StarkPad to Fury and as she watches him add his signature and thumbprint, “okay?”

Handing her the StarkPad, “okay.” and nodding at it, “that NDA gives you temporary Level 10 clearance.”

Taking a closer look at the NDA, “why would I need that level of clearance? I'm already a level 7.”

Reaching into his jacket pocket, he pulls out a plastic bag, “you need it for what I'm about to tell you.” and handing her the bag, “I'm sure that at some point, the fact that I told the Avengers that these were in Coulson's jacket pocket at the time of his death, has filtered through to you?”

Taking the bag, she opens it and carefully slides the cards out of it. Looking up at him, anger coursing through her, “it has.”

Not surprised by the anger in her voice, he sighs again and bracing himself for the outburst he knows is coming, “Zoe, I'm giving these back to you because he's not dead.”

Going very still, she blinks at him a few times in confusion, “what do you…mean he's not…dead?”

Raising his eyebrow in surprise at how calm she sounds and looks, “we got him into one of the cryo units.”

Standing up and leaning forward on her knuckles, “Nick, just because he is in cryo, does not mean that he is alive.”

Shifting slightly in the chair, not looking away, “no. You're right about that. However, and this is really where your new clearance level will come into play, there is a project that Coulson was working on. It’s called T.A.H.I.T.I. and without going into specifics, as I'm still not one hundred percent certain about the medical jargon, it can bring someone back from the dead.”

Feeling her legs give out from under her, she falls into her desk chair and just breathes, as this new information sinks in. A few minutes later, just as Fury is about to say something, “I can't tell them, can I?”

“Cheese always said you were perceptive.” and seeing the confusion on her face, “Coulson and no, you can't tell any of them.”

Looking down at her hands, “oh,” and reaching for the chain that is around her neck, looking up at Fury, “but Tasha and Clint are level 7 and I know for a fact that Captain Rogers is a Level 8.”

Nodding and watching her play with the chain, but dismissing it, “yes they are. But right now, I'm keeping this a little closer to the vest then I usually would.” and taking a quick look at his watch, then back at her as he stands up, “look Zoe, I need you to read over everything from T.A.H.I.T.I. and confer with Doctor's Streiten and Goodman. With your knowledge of Coulson’s medical history, I’m hoping that there won’t be any side effects.”

Looking at his watch again, “also, I need you to keep an eye on Barton and Romanoff. Are you heading up to Barton’s farm?”

Glaring at him, “yes, I was planning on taking them up there after they see Thor and Loki off.”

Frowning at her, “I'm not going to say I'm sorry for keeping his secret from you. But I also don't blame you for it.” and turning to head for the door, looking over his shoulder, “fix it Zoe and remember, do not tell anyone about Coulson.”

She holds in her tears until the door has closed completely and once it does, she starts to sob, collapsing in her chair and burying her head in her arms on the desktop.

xxxx

Five minutes later, she is startled as the video chat feature on her StarkPad trills. Sitting up, she wipes her face with her sleeve and slides the answer button across the screen, “Dr. Streiten.”

Frowning, “Dr. Novak, is this a bad time?”

Smiling a little, she puts Coulson's cards back into the plastic bag, and as she zips them in her pants pocket, “no, not at all. Director Fury has briefed me. However, I have just gotten the reports and have not yet gone over them.”

Returning her smile, “I expected as much. Actually, I’m calling to inform you that we will begin the process of re-animation tomorrow, which as you know is a forty-eight to seventy-two-hour process. We won't actually need your input until then.” and seeing her gearing up to say something, “don't worry, we won't take him off the by-pass machines without speaking with you.”

Standing up and heading for the door, taking the StarkPad with her, “thanks, I appreciate that. I'm gonna go get some sleep. It's been a while. But I will contact you once I've gone over everything.”

“Very well. Sleep well Doctor.”

She says goodnight as well and closes the video chat window. Walking through the main part of medical, she grabs one of the medical go bags and heads for the medicine cabinet to the left of the exit. Placing her hand on the security screen, she mentally compiles a list of drugs that she needs to take with her, besides what is already in the bag. Grabbing what she needs, she shuts the door and heads out for the elevator bank that will take her up to the roof.

Stepping into the elevator, she brings up the vitals feed that Jarvis had downloaded for her before she left the Tower. Noticing a change in not only Clint's vitals, but Tony and Natasha's as well, she frowns to herself as none of them should be up at this hour.

However, before she can contact Jarvis, the elevator doors open revealing Tony in his Iron Man suit, faceplate up and staring at her with a frown on his face, “you've been missed.”

Matching his frown, “I'm sorry. The director needed me for something that couldn't wait.” and stepping closer to him, placing the StarkPad in the med bag and repositioning it across her shoulders, “are you my ride?”

Leaning down to pick her up bridal style, “that I am. Barton kind of had a freak out when Jarvis woke him and Natasha for his first concussion check.” and straightening up, looking her in the eyes, “he doesn't trust anyone else to fly you back right now.”

“Can Jarvis patch me through to him?”

“Jay, patch us through to the spy-twins.”

“Patching now, sir.”

“Zo, are you okay?”

Grimacing, as she can hear the exhaustion in his voice, as well as the pain, “yes you idiot. I'm fine. Tasha, is he still in bed?”

Talking right over Clint's protests, “yeah Zoe, he is. Are you and Stark heading back now?”

“Taking off right now Natasha. ETA ten minutes.”

“Good. We will be waiting. Thanks Stark.”

Smiling as the faceplate comes down, and flying towards Stark Tower, “you're welcome.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I have used Google translate for the translation of the Hebrew and the Russian. If it is wrong, I am sorry. Please pm and let me know and I will change it. Enjoy!

* * *

_Zoe never did like central Asia and she knew for a fact that neither did Phil or Clint, especially Clint. But nonetheless, the three of them were there with a group of soldiers and specialists from all the alphabet agencies, to search for Tony Stark._  

_She, Clint and Phil along with Alpha Team had been on a mission in Iraq when the request for an all hands-on deck search and rescue had come through from Colonel Rhodes. Phil had immediately called Fury, who ordered them to Afghanistan._

_Two months into the search, Phil had sent her on to Landstuhl so that she could imbed herself there as the head emergency response doctor. A month later, his foresight paid off when Tony was rescued and she was the first doctor to treat him when Clint and Phil brought him in. Of course, the treatment only got so far, as the moment he became cognizant of his surroundings and who was treating him, he began to flirt with her._

_She offered a deal, “Mr. Stark, if you let me treat you and don’t lie to me when I ask you how you’re feeling, I’ll agree to a coffee with you before you head back stateside.”_

_He jumped at the chance, “you’ve got yourself a deal doc.” and leaning back against the pillows, he holds out his arm for her to check it over, “and the name is Tony.”_

_Gripping his arm gently, and offering up a small smile, “alright Tony. Let’s get you patched up.”_

_xxxx_

_That night, after she had treated all his wounds and made sure he was resting comfortably with Colonel Rhodes sitting by his bed, Zoe had gone in search of Clint and Phil._

_She found them in one of the waiting rooms, and sitting down in between them, she lets out a sigh as she rests her head on Phil’s shoulder, “we need to keep an eye on that man.”_

_Wrapping his arm around her shoulders, “that’s the plan. I’m heading back stateside tomorrow, while you and Clint are headed for Bucharest to meet up with Natasha and Agents Wu and Sitwell.”_

_Lifting her head up, “are you kidding me right now?”_

_Letting out a sigh of his own, shifting so he can look at Phil and Zoe, “that’s what Phil and I were talking about when you got here. This is op number fifteen in,” counting on his fingers, “the past three months.”_

_Running a hand over his face and taking his phone out of his pocket, looking at the screen, “what do you want me to do Clint?”_

_Meeting Clint’s eyes, but answering Phil’s question before Clint can, “it’s not your fault Phil. It is what it is. But, none of us have gotten any stand down time in between missions, and you know that’s not supposed to happen.”_

_Putting his phone back in his pocket, looking at them again, “okay. I’ll talk to Fury about it when I have a second.”_

_Standing up, she turns to face them, “good. Now I don’t know about you, but I could do with a good meal that’s not an MRE or hospital food.”_

_“When in Germany, eat German?” Clint asks, as he takes her hand and lets her pull him up._

_Shrugging as she looks from Clint to Phil, “works for me.”_

_Also, standing up, smiling, “Cockpit Lounge it is. I’ll call to make the reservation for nine. Will that give each of you enough time to get changed?”_

_Weaving her arms through both of theirs, leading the way to the elevators, “yeah.” and as they reach the elevator, she playfully pinches Clint’s side, “although Clint usually needs more time than me.”_

_Squirming and glaring at her, “I do not!”_

_Shaking his head fondly as they step onto the elevator, “children, please.”_

xxxx

Flying back to the tower in Tony’s arms, Zoe is surprised that the memory of that night in Germany is the one that pops into her head now. It had been a truly enjoyable dinner, as most meals she shared with any combination of Natasha, Phil and Clint, tended to be.

Squeezing her eyes shut even tighter and shaking her head to try and clear that memory from her mind, she focuses on the present. The realization that heading for Clint’s farm is probably not going to happen for at least a few weeks, moving to the forefront of the issues that she is going to have to deal with right away. The undercurrent of exhaustion and pain she had detected in Clint’s voice over the com, let her know that this recovery was going to be a hard one, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

Tony landing hard, jolts her out of her thoughts and opening her eyes, she looks up to see a frown on Tony’s face as the suit begins to pull away from his body, “everything okay?” she asks, as he puts her down gently.

Stepping out of the suit, “yeah. I think something might still be wrong with the thrusters. I thought that I had worked out the kinks right after the battle.”

Running her eyes over him, she frowns, as he seems distracted by more than the suit, “Tony, we had this conversation the first time we met. What’s bothering you?”

Flinching back from her slightly, as the memory of the first time they met is not one that he likes to remember, “okay. Low blow there doc.”

Frown turning into a grimace, she lays her left hand on his left shoulder and looking him in the eyes, “sorry. But you promised.”

Matching her grimace, “yeah. Yeah, I did.” and letting out a sigh, motioning for her to walk with him, “it’s you.” 

Following him into the destroyed lounge area, confusion written across her face, “what do you mean?”

Stopping in the middle of the room, right next to where the Hulk had smashed Loki into the floor, staring at it pensively, “well, let’s start with Landstuhl. I’ve always wondered why you were there?”

Carefully dropping the med bag to the floor by her feet, meeting his eyes, “you do know that S.H.E.I.L.D. helped with the search to find you, right?”

Nodding, “yeah. So?”

Sighing, as she heads for one of the couches that looks to be the least damaged, “I guess I can tell you this, as I’m sure you’ll find it at some point in the files I’m sure Jarvis has wormed his way into already.” and shifting a little on the couch, “agent Coulson had me stationed there to make sure I was the first one to treat you when you were brought in.”

Sitting down next to her, surprise written across his face, “Agent was there?”

Smiling a little at his nickname for Phil, “yeah. So was Agent Barton. They were on the chopper that found you.”

Leaning back against the couch, starring at her, “huh. I don’t remember them being there at all.”

Also leaning back against the couch, “I’m not…”

“Zoe?”

Turning at the sound of her name, “Tasha?” and seeing that she and Clint are hobbling towards them, she quickly jumps up and is on Clint’s other side in seconds, hissing at them, “מה אתם עושים מחוץ למיטה?” (What are you doing out of bed?)

Trying to hide a grimace as her ankle twinges, “Dzharvis skazal nam, chto vy vernulis' i Klint volnovalsya o tom, kak dolgo on prinimayet dlya vas, chtoby dobrat'sya do nas” (Jarvis told us you were back and Clint was worried about how long it was taking for you to get to us.)

Seeing Natasha’s grimace, as she and Zoe gently lower him down onto the couch, letting out a silent sigh as he settles on it, “ne vinite menya Nat. Vy byli tak zhe, kak volnovalsya.” (Don't blame me Nat. You were just as worried.)

Watching the three of them, Tony clears his throat to get their attention, “you do know that Jarvis can let me know exactly what you’re saying, right?”

Rolling her eyes at the glares that Natasha and Clint send Tony’s way, she sits down next to Clint and reaching for his wrist, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you Tony. Even in their injured states, they could harm you easily.”

Pulling his wrist out of her grip, shifting his glare from Tony to Zoe, “Ya v poryadke Zoya.” (I'm fine Zoe.)

Sitting down on Zoe’s other side, internally letting out a sigh of relief as well, as the pain in her ankle lessens, she shifts her glare from Tony to Clint, “Vy ne v poryadke Klint tak chto davayte yey sdelat' yeye rabotu.” (You are not fine Clint, so let her do her job.)

Placing a hand on each of their shoulders, looking at Clint and then Natasha, “Ni odin iz vas vse v poryadke, Tasha. Ne dumayu, chto ya propustil etu vzdrognut.” (Neither of you are fine, Tasha. Don't think I missed that wince.)

Huffing out a breath and standing up to head for the elevator, “fine! I won’t have Jarvis translate, but I can tell when I’m not invited to a conversation.”

Shaking her head and getting up quickly again, hurrying after him, “Tony wait!”

Turning to face her as he reaches the elevator, “what?!”

Running a hand through her hair, looking him in the eyes, “I’m sorry. It’s a habit that we’ve gotten into when we’re in unfamiliar places and don’t want other people to know what we’re saying.” and not missing the anger that is written across his face, but also catching the hurt that flashes through his eyes, “look, let me take care of them and I promise that I’ll answer all your questions in the morning.”

Stepping into the waiting elevator, gesturing at Clint and Natasha, who are whispering to each other on the couch, “okay. That’s acceptable. But answer one question for me?”

Looking over her shoulder at Clint and Natasha and back at Tony, lowering her voice, “what?”

Also lowering his voice, “what are they to you besides your patients?”

Smiling, “they’re my family.” 

Nodding at her as the doors close, “fair enough. See you later.”


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

As the elevator doors close, Zoe turns and frowns as Clint and Natasha are staring at her, “what?!” 

Raising an eyebrow at the sharpness of her tone, “what were you talking about with Stark?”

Letting out a breath, closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose, to try and ward off the headache that has suddenly taken up residence behind her eyes, “Phil.”

The silence that follows doesn’t surprise her and opening her eyes, she lets out a sigh as she sees the two of them trying and failing to keep their emotions in check.

Walking over to stand in front of them, she smiles a little as they both reach out and pull her down in between them. Shifting so that she has an arm around each of their shoulders, she makes the decision right then and there to hint at the fact that Phil is alive, “d’you guys remember Bogota 2010?”

“Yeah.” they answer in unison.

Taking a deep breath, “okay, think about what Fury told us when we got back to the Helicarrier.” she feels them stiffen in her arms and squeezing their shoulders, “I can neither confirm nor deny that it bares any merit now. But just keep it in mind.”

They both nod their understanding, but before they can verbally respond, “oh. Sorry. I…”

Tightening her grip on Clint and Natasha’s shoulders, as she can feel them getting ready to shift away from her, “it’s okay Captain. Please join us?”

Smiling sheepishly, as he comes over to them, “thank you and it’s Steve.” and as he sits down on the coffee table, motioning between the three of them, “is there anything I need to know about here?”

Sharing a look with Natasha and Clint, from which she can tell that they’re okay with her answering for them, she looks back at Steve, “no. Not right now.”

Leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees, “okay. Just let me know if anything changes.”

“Steve, there is nothing going on now and there never will be.” and with that, Natasha stands up and limps her way to the elevator.

Watching her go, Steve waits until the elevator doors have closed, before turning to look at Zoe and Clint, “what did I say?”

Pushing himself slowly to his feet, grimacing as his knee twinges and the room spins a bit, but brushing off Zoe’s helping hand, “I got it Zo.” and looking down at Steve, “you shouldn’t have asked about us.” with that, he too limps his way to the elevator.

Watching Clint hobble to the elevator, “I’ll ask again, what did I say that was wrong?”

Sighing as she sits down on the couch again, rubbing a hand over her face, “you didn’t say anything wrong, Steve. Clint and Tasha keep their emotions close to their vests. It allows them to keep their personal and professional lives separate. Which helps when dealing with everything that they deal with every day.”

“But that doesn’t explain why the three of you seem so close.”

Instead of answering him, she asks a question she already knows the answer to, but wants him to understand, “how close were you with your unit mates?”

Frowning as the memory is still a raw one, but answering immediately, “they were my family in everything but blood. Especially Bucky.”

Matching his frown, she leans forward and rests a hand on his knee, “well, they’re my family and right now they’re hurting from more than just physical wounds.”

Resting his hand on top of hers, “Agent Coulson?”

Taking a deep breath, trying to keep her emotions in check, “yeah. Phil was…”

Squeezing her hand, “doctor?”

Wiping her eyes with her free hand, smiling a little at him, “sorry and please, it’s Zoe.” and seeing his responding smile, “Phil was more than just our handler.”

Raising an eyebrow, “our handler?”

Squeezing his hand a little and then pulling it out of his grip, as she stands up, “yes. Our handler. I’m attached to Strike teams Delta, Alpha and Beta as needed. When not on an op, I’m Dr. Chandler’s 2IC.”

Standing up as well, he lets out a whistle, “and how old are you?”

Chuckling as she leans down to pick up the med bag and starts on her way to the elevator, looking over her shoulder at him, “nuh uh, Steve. Don’t you know not to ask a woman her age?”

Matching her chuckle, “yeah. Sorry.”

Stepping into the elevator, smiling as he joins her, “no. I’m kidding with you Cap. I just turned thirty last month. I’m older than you.”

Sobering a little at that, “no you aren’t.”

Looking up at the camera that’s in the corner of the elevator car, “Jarvis, pause the elevator, please.” and returning her gaze to Steve, gripping his shoulder, “Steve, you might have been born in 1918. But for all intents and purposes, you’re twenty-six.”

Frowning, “how do you figure?”

Sighing and shifting the med bag on her shoulder, “well, you crashed the plane in March of forty-five, right?”

Taking the bag from her, shouldering it, “yeah. So?”

Nodding her thanks, “well, think about it. It’s May 2012 now,” and seeing the comprehension dawning on his face, “which means that this July is your twenty-seventh birthday, not your ninety-fourth. The past sixty-seven years don’t really count.”

Leaning against the wall of the elevator, letting out a sigh, “Zoe, everyone I know and might have lo…” he trails off as he swipes a hand over his face, the enormity of everything he’s been through hitting him again.

Seeing him deflate, “oh shit, sorry Steve, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that…” she also trails off and bites her bottom lip, feeling horrible about what she just inferred.

She leans against the wall of the elevator next to him and a few seconds later, “I’m so sorry Steve. This must still be incredibly strange for you.”

Huffing out a laugh, “you can say that again.” and pushing off the wall, “anyway, what’s with this bag being so heavy? I thought Barton and Romanoff were medically cleared before we left S.H.E.I.L.D.?”

Rolling her eyes at his obvious attempt at changing the subject, but letting him get away with it, “they were, but Clint’s head and knee are still giving him trouble and Tasha’s ankle is bothering her.”

Quirking an eyebrow, “how could you tell?”

Looking up at the camera again, “Jarvis, you can start the elevator again.” and looking back at Steve, “well, Clint swayed a little when he got up from the couch earlier, and they were both limping when they walked to the elevator.”

Blinking at her, completely astonished, “really?”

Chuckling a little at his response, she takes the med bag from him as the elevator doors open and stepping out of it into the living room of the suite she is sharing with Clint and Natasha, “it’s okay Steve. They’re very good at hiding their pain, I just know what to look for by now.”

Leaning against the frame of the elevator, crossing his arms over his chest, “huh. I don’t know if that’s impressive or sad.”

Quickly looking over her shoulder towards the door that leads to the master bedroom, “it’s a little of both.” and running her eyes over him, taking in the tired slump of his shoulders and the slight darkening under his eyes, that even the serum doesn’t seem to be able to mask right now, “are you going to be able to sleep some more?”

Not meeting her eyes, he lets out a sigh, “probably not. But I will give it a try.” and before she can say something, he meets her eyes and gives her a small smile, “don’t worry Zoe, even with the serum I know that I need to sleep to heal faster.”

Shrugging her shoulders, “what can I say, it’s the doctor in me that makes me worry.”

Stepping back into the elevator, “I doubt that it’s just the doctor in you. Thanks, I’ll see you later. Sleep well.”

Watching as the doors close, “you to Steve.”

xxxx

“Dr. Novak?”

Pulling her gaze from the elevator doors, she looks up at the ceiling, “yeah Jarvis?”

“I believe that you are needed in the master bedroom.”

Marveling at the fact, and not for the first time, that an AI is capable of sounding concerned, but nodding her head in answer as she hurries towards the bedroom, “oh guys, what now?” she asks under her breath.

Walking through the door to the master, her heart drops into her stomach at the sight that meets her eyes. Natasha and Clint are standing on either side of the bed, guns drawn and pointed at each other, both breathing heavily. Gently lowering the med bag to the floor, she takes a step forward, not surprised when both guns are immediately aimed at her.

Raising her hands in surrender, she makes certain to meet their eyes, “it’s me, Zoe. You’ve had a nightmare; we’re at Stark tower.”

A couple of minutes pass where all that can be heard in the room is Clint and Natasha’s harsh breathing and just when Zoe is about to ask Jarvis to wake Tony and Thor and ask for them and Steve to come up to the suite, the guns are lowered and the safeties are clicked on.

Letting out the breath she was holding, Zoe bends down to pick up the med bag again and as she straightens up, “which one?” she asks.

It speaks to the depth with which they know each other that all she has to do is ask that simple question and the answer falls easily from their lips. Surprisingly though, their answers, which normally differ, are the same this time and as they both say, “Bogota,” Zoe can only shake her head, inwardly kicking herself that she said anything in the first place.

Reaching the bed, she places the med bag on the floor by the foot of it and climbs onto it, completely unsurprised when she is immediately pulled down to lie in between them.

Struggling a little to sit up, “guys, come on. I want to check you over once more before I get some sleep.”

The only response she gets is a head on each shoulder and an arm wrapped around her stomach, essentially pinning her in place.

Letting out a sigh, she entwines her left hand with Clint’s and her right with Natasha’s and smiling a little, “okay. I give up.” Twisting her head to kiss each of their foreheads, “Jarvis, please wake me in two hours unless you need to wake me sooner.”

“Of course, Dr. Novak.” Jarvis answers, and as soon as he finishes speaking, “why two hours? I’m fine.” Clint asks.

Closing her eyes and letting out another sigh, but this one in relief, as she is finally horizontal, “because you have a concussion Clint and you know the drill for those.”

She hears him mumbling under his breath in response for a few seconds, until he yawns and settles down. The next thing she focuses on is Natasha’s quiet breathing alerting her to the fact that she drifted off to sleep quickly, as usual.

Smiling to herself, she shifts a little to get more comfortable and pushes the past forty-eight hours out of her mind for now, falling asleep between one moment and the next.


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

_“Zoe, why did you leave him behind? If you had just…”_

_“Clint, it’s not her fault. Coulson ordered us to get you out of there.”_

_“But I would’ve been fine! It’s not the first time I’ve fallen out of my perch and it won’t be the last.”_

_That’s the last straw for Zoe, who up until that point had kept her mouth shut while Clint and Natasha had been fighting about how the mission had ended._

_Finished wrapping Clint’s left arm, she glares at him, “Clint, if you think that you would’ve been fine, you’re completely insane. Your temp is rising and I don’t know why and if that isn’t enough, you’ve broken at least one bone in your arm if not more!”_

_“Coming in for landing now, agents. Director Fury is waiting for you on deck.” silences any response Clint might have had and with a nod at Natasha, Zoe gets up to check on the members of Alpha team._

_Tracking Zoe, Natasha sits down next to Clint, “it’s not his first mission Clint.”_

_Scrubbing his face with his right hand, letting his eyes close, as the fact that he really does feel like death warmed over hits him head on, “I know Tash, it’s just...I saw what we were up against, and if it was going to be difficult for all of us, can you imagine how hard it’ll be for him on his own?”_

_By the end of his question his words are slurring and Natasha can tell that he’s on the edge of finally passing out again. But she knows he will fight it until they have an update on Phil. Letting out a sigh, she doesn’t answer him, instead she simply rests her hand on his thigh, continuing to watch Zoe as she helps the other medics administer some first aid to one of the members of Alpha team._

_xxxx_

_Fury had waited until the med team had taken Clint and the injured members of Alpha team off the Quinjet, but as soon as they were out of earshot, and before Zoe and Natasha could follow, “Romanoff, Novak with me.”_

_Natasha had known in that moment that something was wrong and she shared a glance with Zoe, trying to communicate her suspicions._

_They followed Fury up to the bridge, and once there, Natasha saw the moment that Zoe realized what was about to happen, as all emotion left her face to be replaced by a blank mask. It was the same mask that she was wearing at that very moment._

_Before she could say anything, however, Zoe beat her to it, “he’s dead.” it was said as a statement, not a question and Natasha saw the immediate change in Fury’s demeanor as he answered, “as far as we can tell. Yes. We lost contact with him approximately two hours ago and have been unable to raise him on comms.”_

_Also catching the change in Fury’s demeanor, “why didn’t you override Agent Coulson’s order?”_

_“Dr. Novak, at the time he gave his order, I agreed with it. I did not expect the situation to devolve so quickly.”_

_Laying a hand on Zoe’s arm,_ _“Zoya_ _, poyti proverit na Clint. Ya pozabochus ob etom.” (Zoe, go check on Clint. I will take care of this.)_

_Pulling her gaze from Fury,“_ _Khorosho. No prishel nayti menya, kogda vy zakonchite zdes. _” (Okay. But come find me when you’re finished here.)__

_Clearing his throat to get their attention, “excuse me. Are you finished?”_

_Turning on the spot, “yes director. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to check on my patients.” and without waiting for a response, Zoe leaves the bridge, heading for the med bay._

_“Doctor Novak, come back her now!”_

_“Sir.”_

_Turning to face Natasha, “I haven’t dismissed her yet.”_

_“I know that, as does she. But you know that she is needed down in medical more than she is needed here. I can answer any questions you might have.”_

_Sighing, but nodding in agreement, “of course. Let’s get down to business. I need to know what happened out there in detail. Leave nothing out.”_

_xxxx_

_Fury._

_Zoe had to chuckle to herself as she made her way down to the med bay, as Fury couldn’t have been more aptly named in her opinion._

_“Of all the downright righteous sons of bitches, I have to work for the king of them all.” she says, under her breath as she enters the med bay. Before she can even utter an order, Nurse Windhim shows up at her side with her StarkPad, updating her on everyone’s condition._

_Farming out the alpha team agents’ care to the other docs on call, she heads for Clint’s side and begins her own in depth evaluation of his injuries._

_She loses herself in the action of running the chaos that is the med bay when injured agents come in. Before she knows it, she is sitting next to Clint’s bed in an iso-room, writing up her notes on his treatment and prognosis, the sounds of the EKG and his even, if congested, breathing nothing but background noise._

_“Zoe?”_

_Looking up from her notes, she smiles, “Tasha.” and motioning towards the other chair in the room, “did you get checked out?”_

_Running her eyes over Clint, “yes. What’s wrong with him?”_

_Sighing, as she runs her eyes over the EKG unit and then focuses on Clint, “he was poisoned.”_

_“What?! How?”_

_Meeting Natasha’s eyes, “I don’t know how.” and running a hand through her hair, “but I do know that it had to have happened before we left for the op and as far as I can tell, it was time released to affect him exactly when it was needed.”_

_“Okay. But the only people he was with right before the op were you, me, Phil and Alpha team.”_

_The EKG gives off an alert, and standing up, Zoe hits a couple of buttons on the PCA pump, “true. But I know for a fact that you didn’t poison him and nobody from alpha team could have done it,” and checking the EKG again, satisfied with the numbers that she sees, she settles in the chair again, “they were with us for prep and transport, but they weren’t anywhere near him. The only way he could’ve gotten dosed was by ingesting it and the only thing he ate or drank, Phil gave him.”_

_Sitting forward in the chair, “Zoe, you do realize what you’re saying, right?”_

_Nodding, she hits a button on her StarkPad, which she had been using to write up her notes, and satisfied that there is no one listening in, “it wasn’t Phil, Tasha. Do you remember what Phil said when Clint asked where he had gotten the energy bar?”_

_Narrowing her eyes, “Fury.” she hisses out, and looking at Clint, taking in the paleness of his skin, except for the color high on his cheeks and the wheezing every time he takes a breath, even with the oxygen mask, “but how could he do this to Clint? And why would he use Phil to do it?”_

_Rubbing a hand over her face, blinking her eyes to help them focus as she’s starting to feel the last seventy-two hours, “I don’t know. All I do know is that Fury told us Phil is dead. Phil told us to leave him behind and Clint was poisoned.”_

_Grabbing Clint’s right hand, careful of the IV, she focuses on Zoe, “is he going to be okay?”_

_Matching her frown, “yes. We had the poison’s composition on file, which made it easier to create an antidote. He’ll feel like he has a horrible case of the flu for a couple of days, which will only exacerbate the fact that he broke his radius and ulna. We won't be able to set the bones until the swelling goes down, so for now, we’re keeping him sedated to let that happen without causing him more pain and, to let him get some sleep while the poison works its way out of his system.”_

_Looking at Clint again, she nods her head in understanding and they sit in companionable silence for a few minutes._

_Five minutes later, Natasha shifts her gaze from Clint to Zoe and smiles to herself as Zoe is out cold, her chin resting on her chest. Letting go of Clint’s hand, she stands up and walks around the bed._

_Gently, she removes the StarkPad from Zoe’s hand, unsurprised when Zoe’s head snaps up and her eyes immediately focus on Clint, “is he…”_

_Shaking her head in amusement, gripping Zoe’s shoulder, “nothing’s changed.”_

_Slumping against the chair, looking up at Natasha, “let me guess. I should go get cleaned up and grab a nap.”_

_Smiling a little, “got it in one.” and offering her a hand, “but I’ll understand if you want to just go and get cleaned up.”_

_Taking her hand and returning her smile, “okay. I’ll go grab a shower and come relieve you in about half an hour. I’ll bring some good coffee when I come back.”_

_Handing her the StarkPad, she doesn’t let go of her hand, instead she uses it to pull her into a hug, “we’ll figure this out Zoe.”_

_Burying her head in Natasha’s shoulder, taking a deep breath, “I’m not worried about figuring it out, Tasha. I know that we will. I’m worried about how he’s going to take the news.”_

_Squeezing Zoe, a little tighter, “about as well as we’re expecting him to. But we’ll get him through it.”_

_They separate and Zoe nods her head in agreement before heading out of the iso-room. An hour and a half later, Zoe and Natasha are sitting in Clint’s room, showered and changed, cups of good coffee in hand._

_They spend the following eight hours considering everything, until finally giving up. Around ten the following morning, Zoe brings Clint out of the sedation, and after telling him everything, she and Natasha consent to get some sleep after Clint promises not to leave his bed until Zoe tells him he can._

_The following night, they’re no closer to figuring everything out, but the one thing they know for certain is that Fury is lying about Phil being dead. They just don’t know why._

_As it turns out, the reason that Fury was lying was because he needed Phil to turn a drug lord in the area where the op had taken place. However, the drug lord had to believe that Phil had gone rogue and the only way that would work was if Phil faked his death. Fury had been in on it from the beginning and when the truth came out, Zoe, Clint and Natasha had been pissed, but eventually forgave Phil. Fury not so much._

xxxx

Sitting in the living room of the suite, Zoe is completely focused on the files Fury sent over regarding project T.A.H.I.T.I., the details of which really intrigue her, but the actual process not so much.

She had woken up at dawn, a scream of anger on her lips, but she had swallowed the scream, as she didn’t want to wake Clint and Natasha. The dream that had woken her, unsurprisingly was about the mission in Bogota in 2010 and knowing that she would not get back to sleep, she had quietly extracted herself from the bed and shuffled out to the living room.

Which is where she is now, StarkPad in one hand and cup of steaming coffee in the other. Paging through the document, she brings up Phil’s medical record and compares it to those of the test subjects. Placing the cup of coffee down on the coffee table, she makes some notes regarding different pre-treatment protocols that should be used for Phil, as well as specifying that no extreme measures, beyond allowing the GH-325 to be administered, should be allowed and letting out a sigh, she rests the tablet on her legs and lets her head fall back against the couch cushion, her eyes closing as she does so.

The first night after the battle for New York had been a tough one and last night hadn’t been a picnic either. After the first concussion check, Clint and Natasha had finally let her check them over, which included her re-attaching Clint to the IV of fluids. They had all fallen asleep tangled in each other’s arms, only to be woken by Clint tossing and turning, violently, as the nightmares began their onslaught in earnest.

Opening her eyes, she looks up at the ceiling, “Jarvis are they still asleep?”

“No. Agent Romanoff is in the shower and Agent Barton is trying to get dressed.”

She smiles at the hint of amusement she hears in Jarvis’ voice and locking the StarkPad, she stands up and heads for the master bedroom. As she enters it, she bites her bottom lip to stop from laughing, “Clint, sit down before you fall down and hurt yourself even more.”

Glaring at her, he does as he’s told, giving up on pulling on his t-shirt, “why did you wrap me up like a mummy?”

Coming over to him, she inserts herself in between his legs and as she runs her fingers through his hair, his eyes close and he leans into the touch, “well to start with, you went through a plate glass window.”

Opening his eyes and looking up at her, “and that’s reason enough for you to wrap me up tight enough that I can’t even dress myself?”

Leaning down to kiss him, “think of it this way. It gives you an excuse to lie around and do nothing for a couple of days.”

Letting out a sigh, “are you gonna let me go with everyone tomorrow?”

“Yeah mom. Can we go play with our friends?”

Burying his face in Zoe’s stomach, letting out a huff and wrapping his arms around her waist, “ugh, make her stop, Zo. Please.”

Laughing a little as she walks towards them, “oh, come on Clint. Even you must admit you sound like a little kid.” and sitting down next to him, bumping his shoulder with hers, “how can you expect me not to make fun of you?”

Frowning at Natasha, as Clint just pulls her closer, she runs her fingers through the hair at the base of his neck, her frown deepening at the heat that meets her fingers, “Tasha, give us a second?”

Hearing the worry in Zoe’s voice, Natasha glances at her and with a nod and a gentle squeeze to Zoe’s shoulder, she heads back into the bathroom, grabbing a change of clothes on the way there.

Waiting until the bathroom door has closed, “okay Clint. What’s wrong? You usually have no problem joking around with Tasha.”

Sighing and looking up at her again, “why are you still here?”

Matching his sigh, “why am I…” and gripping his chin with her thumb and forefinger, looking him in the eyes, “I’m here because even if we’re no longer going to be lovers, I still love you.”

Pulling his chin out of her grip, but not breaking eye contact, “how?”

Running her fingers through his hair, because she can’t help herself, she inwardly curses everyone who ever left him or told him he wasn’t worth loving, “how do I still love you?”

Nodding, “yeah. How can you still love me when you know the truth?”

Sitting down on his right leg, wrapping her arms around his neck, she rests her forehead against his when he leans into her, “well, I guess I’m just a sucker for a trouble magnet with amazing arms.”

Pulling back and glaring at her, “Zoe.”

Leaning in and kissing him, she smiles through the kiss, “okay. Okay. In all seriousness, I’m furious with you for putting me in this position, but I understand why you did it. You can’t help who you fall in love with, even if it’s more than one person at the same time.”

Kissing her again, he rests his forehead against hers and letting out a sigh, “I’m sorry Zo. Even if I could go back and change things I wouldn’t. I love you, but I love Laura and the kids so much I can’t imagine my life without them. Or you and I don’t want to lose any of you.”

“You’re not going to lose her Clint.”

They look over towards the bathroom to see Natasha walking out of it, but before either of them can say anything, “she’s still going to be a part of your life. Just not in the same way as before.” and with that she heads out of the bedroom, leaving them alone.

Looking at Zoe, “really?”

Smiling, “I promise Clint. You’re not gonna lose me. Well, at least if I have anything to say about it.”

Resting his forehead against hers again, closing his eyes, “so, we just have to worry about Laura.”

Sighing and pulling back, she smiles as he rests his head on her shoulder, “yeah. But let’s not worry about that until we have to.” and kissing his forehead, gauging his temp, “Clint how’s your head?”

Opening his eyes and lifting his head up, “it aches.” and shifting a little, causing Zoe to stand up, “actually, I ache all over.”

Frowning, as she holds out her hand, “I thought so.” and pulling him to his feet, steadying him as he sways a bit, “hey Tasha!” she shouts over her shoulder.

She helps him towards the bathroom and just as they reach the door, “yeah?”

Letting go of Clint as he squeezes her shoulder and keeps hobbling into the bathroom, “I need you to run an errand for me.”

Coming to stand in front of her, “let me guess. Sara Beth’s?”

Smiling at her, “you’re scary sometimes, you know that?”

Returning her smile with a smirk, “thank you. Anyway, I already had Jarvis place our usual order and I’ll let the team know that we’re not gonna make brunch today, on my way out.” and motioning inside the bathroom, lowering her voice, “truthfully Zoe. Will he be okay to come with us tomorrow?”

Letting out a sigh, also lowering her voice, “physically, I’m gonna make sure he will be. Mentally…” she shrugs, as if to say she has no idea.

Nodding, “okay. Are we still heading up to the farm after we see Thor and Loki off?”

“Zoe.”

Hearing Clint call her name, she turns to walk into the bathroom, talking over her shoulder, “no. I wish we could, but I got an email late last night from Dr. Seaver. We’re scheduled for the first round of psych evals at six tomorrow night.”

Grimacing, “all right. Fine. I’ll be back in about an hour. Take care of him.”

Stepping into the bathroom, seeing Clint sitting on the edge of the tub, eyes closed and a frown on his face, “that’s my plan.” she says, under her breath, as she leans over and begins unwrapping his knee.

xxxx

Two hours later, Zoe, Clint and Natasha are curled up on the couch in the living room of the suite, eating take out from Sara Beth’s and watching an episode of  _Dog Cops_  on the big screen TV.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Dunkin' Donuts. Although I do love their coffee and egg and cheese croissants.

* * *

The following morning, Zoe walks out of the elevator on the temporary common room floor, StarkPhone strapped to her arm, headphones hanging around her neck, carrying a tray of Dunkin' Donuts coffee and a bag of egg and cheese croissants. A guilty pleasure that she, Natasha and Clint treat themselves to every now and then.

Of course, her hope of not running into anyone is completely dashed, as Tony is already in the kitchen and as she heads for the fridge to grab the Lactaid milk, “you do know that I have gourmet food and coffee, here, right?”

Placing the bag and tray of coffee on the counter to the right of the fridge, looking over her shoulder as she opens the fridge, “yeah. I know.”

Raising an eyebrow as he takes a sip of his green juice, “and yet, you and the spy-twins prefer that stuff?”

Pulling the milk, “it’s not that we prefer it, it’s just that it’s easy.” and opening the milk, pouring it into her black iced coffee and a little of the milk into the large hot coffee, but not the large iced, “I also needed to go for a run.”

“Is there something wrong with the gym we have here?”

“Tony, stop prying. I’m sure Zoe has her reasons and she certainly doesn’t have to explain them to you.” and seeing that Zoe has the Lactaid milk our, “may I have some of that?”

Pouring the milk into Pepper’s coffee, “sure and thanks.”

Smiling at Zoe, “you’re welcome.” and seeing the glare that Tony is giving her, she kisses him on the lips, “get over it.”

Putting the milk back in the fridge, Zoe heads for the elevator, talking over her shoulder, “have a good day Pepper. Tony I’ll see you later.”

She gets a wave from Pepper and a wink from Tony and as soon as the elevator doors close, she leans against the wall of the elevator and lets out a sigh, getting lost in her thoughts until, “Dr. Novak, are you all right?” startles her.

Looking up at the camera in the corner, “yeah Jarvis. I’m fine.”

“Forgive me…” and for a moment he hesitates, before, “it’s just that you still seem out of sorts.”

Letting out a breath as the doors open, “no need to apologize. I just have a lot on my mind right now.”

“Well, if you would like to talk, I am willing to listen.”

Stepping out of the elevator, “thank you Jarvis. I might just take you up on that.”

“What will you take him up on?” Clint asks, as he gets up from the couch, having seen her stepping out of the elevator.

Watching him critically, as he walks towards her, “how’s the knee?”

Frowning, as he takes the large black iced coffee from her and the bag of croissants, “it’s fine and you didn’t answer my question.”

Following him over to the couch, taking a sip of her coffee, and placing her StarkPhone and headphones on the coffee table, “Jarvis offered to listen if I wanted to talk.”

Also taking a sip of his coffee, as he takes a seat on the couch again, “you’d rather talk to an AI instead of Nat or me?” and looking up at the ceiling, “no offense Jarvis.”

“None taken Agent Barton.”

Taking the croissant sandwich he hands her, letting out a sigh, “Clint, it’s not that simple.”

Taking out a sandwich for himself, placing the bag on the coffee table next to his coffee, “of course it is Zoe. All you have to do is talk to us.” and taking a bite of his sandwich, “which if I remember correctly, you used to do all the time.”

Slipping out of her sneakers, she tucks her feet under his thigh, and starts in on her sandwich. Trying to think of a response, but not having any luck, she focuses on eating instead, thankful that he isn’t pushing her to talk.

Ten minutes later, when their sandwiches are finished and she has no other means of avoiding the conversation, “Clint, I’d love to talk about it. But I…”

Letting out a sigh of his own, he pulls her onto his lap and wraps his arms around her, “you can’t.”

Resting her head on his shoulder, nuzzling the spot between his shoulder and ear that she knows he loves, “yeah and if I did I’d be in a world of trouble.”

Kissing her forehead, “does this have to do with why you left us that first night?”

Snuggling deeper into his arms, careful of the bandages on his back, “yes. Fury had me sign an NDA and upped my clearance level to ten.”

Letting out a whistle, “damn! You weren’t kidding about there being trouble if you talk.” 

Lifting her head up to look at him, “yeah. Which is why I might take Jarvis up on his offer.”

Pulling her hand down, entwining their fingers, he kisses the inside of her wrist, “it makes sense. Talking to Jarvis wouldn’t be considered a breach of the NDA because Fury knows that Jarvis will at some point find out about it anyway.”

Resting her head on his shoulder again, “I will never understand why people don’t give you more credit for how smart you are.”

Smirking, he huffs out an angry sounding laugh, “well, like you guys keep telling me, that’s a good thing. Better to surprise them and yadda, yadda.”

Inwardly yelling at herself, as she doesn’t miss the anger in his voice, “oh, Clint. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…” she trails off and kisses his neck, which leads to her kissing her way up to his lips and before she knows it, he’s got her lying down on the couch, his body draped over hers.

They lie there making out, re-acquainting themselves with each other’s pleasure points, before she pushes him away, “no Clint. We can’t.” and sitting up, “g-d dammit! I promised myself I wouldn’t do this!”

Shifting so he is sitting next to her, their shoulders and thighs touching, he hangs his head and taking a deep breath, he lets it out slowly, “you’re right. I know we shouldn’t but...” and shrugging, “maybe we shouldn’t be alone together anymore?”

Hearing the uncertainty and underlying hurt in his voice, her eyes are drawn to him and her heart breaks in two, “Clint, I promised you wouldn’t lose me and I meant it.”

Leaning into her side, resting his head on her shoulder, “yeah, but I am losing you.” and weaving his hand through her arm, taking her hand in his, “it wasn’t this hard when Tasha and I broke things off. Why is it this time around?”

“Why are you guys…” Natasha trails off, as she walks off the elevator into the living room. Letting out a sigh at the sight of them, she makes her way over to them. She moves her coffee and the bag with her croissant off to the side and taking a seat on the coffee table in front of them, “what’s wrong?”

Squeezing Zoe’s hand, Clint stands up and without a word, heads for the master bedroom.

Watching him walk away from them, Natasha waits until the bedroom door has closed and as soon as it has, she turns to look at Zoe and frowns, as Zoe looks on the verge of tears.

Shifting from the coffee table to the couch on Zoe’s right side, she wraps Zoe in her arms, “this is why I always say that love is for children.”

“We both know that you don’t mean it, though.”

Kissing her forehead, “if you tell anyone, I will kill you.”

Smiling, even though Natasha can’t see it, “your secret is safe with me Tasha. Don’t worry.” and sighing, “it would just be so much easier if Laura and the kids didn’t exist.”

“Of course, it would be easier. But since when have we done anything the easy way?”

Pulling out of Natasha’s arms, Zoe leans against the arm of the couch, smirking at her, “touché.” and scrubbing her face, “he’s not okay Tasha.”

“Can he still come with us this afternoon?”

Looking at the bedroom door, “I’d prefer it if he stayed here. He says his knee is fine, but it would be best if he stayed off it and I wouldn’t mind getting another bag of fluids into him.” and looking back at Natasha, “but I won’t keep him from going. He needs to see Loki gone, the closure will be good for him.”

Frowning, “are you going to sedate him tonight?”

Shaking her head, “no. I promised him a long time ago that unless he really needed it, I would never put him under, and even though he obviously hasn’t slept a full eight hours since we were stationed in the Mojave, he told me last night that he hasn’t reached his limit yet.”

“Do you really think he’s in the best shape to be making that decision?”

Huffing out a breath, a little angry that Natasha is questioning her, “no, I don’t. But do you remember the last time he was sedated and had a nightmare?”

Rubbing her chin, frowning, “yes. Yes, I do.” and as she looks over at the bedroom door again, “what happened before?”

Letting her head fall against the couch cushion, closing her eyes, “let’s just say we both fell back into old habits.”

Returning her gaze to Zoe, “you fell back…” she trails off as it dawns on her what Zoe means, “oh.”

Smirking, but keeping her eyes closed, she pinches the bridge of her nose and lets out a sigh, “yeah. Oh.”

Realizing that Zoe has said all that she is going to say on the topic, Natasha gets up and takes her coffee and croissant sandwich over to the kitchen to heat up.

xxxx

Ten minutes later, Zoe startles awake as she feels a hand on her ankle. Slitting her eyes open, she sees Natasha staring at her, concern in her eyes, “sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

Raising an eyebrow, “maybe it’s a good thing we’re on stand down after today?”

Shifting so that she is no longer lying down on the couch, she tries to hold in a yawn, but from the look on Natasha’s face, she has not been successful. Shrugging, “it definitely can’t hurt.”

Smiling, and changing the topic, “thanks for getting the Dunkin.”

Returning the smile, “you’re welcome. I figured a guilty pleasure was needed.”

“It certainly was.”

They lapse into a comfortable silence, while Natasha finishes her coffee and Zoe has Jarvis switch on the television to ESPN so that she can catch up on the sports world. Only to be disappointed as even Sport Center’s coverage is dominated by the “Battle for NY.”

Clearing her throat to get Zoe’s attention, Natasha smiles a little as Zoe turns to look at her, a look of complete bewilderment on her face, “you’d think sports would be safe, but no. You guys had to go take over the air waves.”

Looking at the TV, “in all fairness, not all of us took them over.”

Huffing out a laugh, “you and your distinctions, Tasha.”

Chuckling a little, as she returns her gaze to Zoe, but sobering, as she has been toying with the idea she is about to present to Zoe since the previous night and hopes that she can get Zoe on her side, “can I ask you a favor?”

Sobering as well, “sure. What is it?”

Taking a breath and letting it slowly, “do you think you would be able to get Dr. Seaver to push our psych evals back a few weeks?”

Reaching out to squeeze Natasha’s hand, “I was already planning on talking to her about it when we get to the office this afternoon.”

Letting out a sigh of relief, Natasha opens her mouth to respond, but before she can get a word out, “I am sorry to interrupt, but Agent Barton seems to require some assistance.”

Sharing a look with Natasha, “what seems to be the problem Jarvis?”

“He does not seem capable of removing the bandages on his back, and he has made his desire for a shower very well known.”

Zoe and Natasha share a smirk and as they both get up, Zoe tells Jarvis that they’ll take care of it. They head into the master bedroom to find Clint sitting on the edge of the bed, fuming. While Zoe goes to his side to help him with the bandages, Natasha heads for the bathroom to get the shower going.

Even though they probably shouldn’t, they all share the shower, long since used to showering together without it turning sexual between them.

xxxx

An hour later, showered, bandaged, in Clint and Natasha’s case, dressed and packed, the three of them head down to the temporary common room, where they meet up with the rest of the team.

Once they are all gathered, they split up and head over to S.H.E.I.L.D., where they pick up an escort, Dr. Selvig, Loki and the Tesseract. Before they leave, Clint and Natasha make Zoe promise to meet up with them at Gray’s Papaya on 72nd and Broadway. With her promise to do so, they join the others and head for Central Park.

As soon as they have left, Zoe checks in with Dr. Chandler, as well as Dr. Seaver.

Dr. Seaver has some reservations about acquiescing to her request to push the psych evals back, but eventually agrees, after Zoe plays the chain of command card. Stating that in terms of medical care, physical condition, trumps psychological, and being that she is Clint and Natasha’s primary physician, they cannot begin psych evaluations without her sign off.

Satisfied that all the items on her to do list are checked off, except one, she heads for her office. Once the office is secure, she contacts Dr. Streiten, discussing her thoughts and recommendations for Phil’s treatment. At the end of the conversation, he signs off, but not without a promise to keep her in the loop as to how the procedures go and if they are ultimately successful.

Leaning back in her chair, rubbing her hand over her face, she bites her bottom lip in an unconscious gesture. Sending up a prayer to whoever might be listening, she gets up and heads for the door. She leaves medical behind, letting Dr. Chandler know that she, Clint and Natasha are on stand down for a month at least, but that she’ll be reachable by cell if it’s an emergency.

Just before she reaches the exit however, “Dr. Novak.” being called out, stops her in her tracks. She turns around, trying to find the voice and stops once she sees Maria Hill walking towards her.

Crossing her arms over her chest, she waits for Maria to reach her and as soon as she does so, “Maria?”

Nodding and offering a smile, “Zoe, I’m on my way over to the Helicarrier, but I wanted to check in with you.”

Returning her smile, she shifts her purse on her shoulder, “what about?”

Quickly looking around, making sure no one is paying them attention, “the team. Do you know what they have planned for after they see Thor and Loki off?”

Shrugging, “well, I think they’re going to scatter.”

Sighing, “I thought as much.” she nods and as she turns to head for the elevator bank that will take her up to the roof, “please let us know where you and Agents Barton and Romanoff end up.”

Standing to attention, as she senses the change in Maria’s demeanor, “yes ma’am. Will do.”

Zoe watches Maria walk away, until her StarkPhone goes off. Reaching into her bag to take it out, she smiles as she looks at the screen to see a text from Clint. Swiping her finger across the screen to read the full text, she heads for the uptown subway station.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never been to Gray's Papaya, so if I have gotten the layout wrong, I apologize.  
> The apartment that Zoe owns, exists in real life. However, I have taken some liberties about how it looks and what it contains.

* * *

It takes Zoe about forty minutes to get from S.H.E.I.L.D. to Gray’s Papaya, and as soon as she walks in the door, she heads for the counter to place her order. Order placed, she takes her drink cup and goes to fill it with unsweetened iced tea. Just as she is squeezing lemon into it, she smiles to herself as she senses a pair of familiar eyes on her. She doesn’t turn around however, as she knows that Clint is going try to startle her at any moment.

A few seconds later, she’s proven correct as she feels arms wrap around her from behind, and she chuckles as, “you knew I was going to do that.” is spoken right next to her ear.

Placing the cover on her cup, she leans into Clint’s embrace a little, but before she can say anything, “order 142 is ready for pick up.” is announced over the loud speaker.

As she untangles herself from Clint’s arms, “is Tasha waiting in the car?”

Following her over to the counter, “yeah. Did you get me a large papaya juice?”

Smiling, as she accepts the bag of hot dogs from the server, “of course, and two hot dogs with relish and ketchup for Tasha, two with mustard and sauerkraut for you and two with just ketchup for...”

She trails off and bites her bottom lip, as she catches the slight flinch that Clint tries to hide, as he realizes her mistake.

Seeing the flinch, something that only someone who knows him as well as she does would even notice, it dawns on her that he has no recollection of her telling him and Natasha that Phil is alive. The fact that he doesn’t remember is not necessarily worrying, as she knows that the concussion he sustained can cause some short-term memory loss. But just because she is not worried doesn’t mean that she is not gutted by the hurt that she just saw flash through his eyes.

She tries to lay a hand on his arm, but he side-steps her attempt and accepts the drinks from the server.

She says, “Clint.” to try and keep him from walking away, but he doesn’t listen.

Sighing, she follows him out of the restaurant and slipping on her sunglasses, she walks over to the car, to find Clint getting into the front passenger seat.

As he slams the car door closed, she meets Natasha’s eyes over the roof of the car. Seeing the questioning eyebrow that she shoots her way, Zoe shrugs and slides into the back of the sedan. Closing the car door, she places her tea in one of the cup holders and the bag with the hot dogs on the seat next to her.

Sliding into the driver’s seat, “back to S.H.E.I.L.D.?”

Grabbing her StarkPhone out of her bag, “no.”

That gets Clint’s attention, “but you said we had to see doc Seaver.”

Pushing her sunglasses up onto her head, so she can read the email that just came in, “I convinced her to push the evals back a month.”

Smiling back at her, “thanks Zoe.”

Nodding her head, Zoe refocuses on the email, which is from Dr. Streiten and causes her to completely miss the conversation that Natasha and Clint are having until she hears Clint say, “Zoe?”

She looks up from the screen and raises an eyebrow at him, “yeah?”

Motioning at her StarkPhone, “what’s wrong?”

Putting the StarkPhone back in her bag, looking out of the window, “nothing.” and realizing that Natasha has them heading towards 12th Avenue, “where’re we heading?”

Letting out a sigh, “Zoe, I’m sorry about…”

Turning her head to look at him, she cuts him off, “Clint, it’s fine. Okay?”

Before he can answer, “we’re headed for your apartment.”

Smiling a little, “oh. That’s good.” and reaching into the take-out bag, she pulls out one of Clint’s hot dogs and one of Natasha’s, “are you guys hungry?”

“Yes.” They answer in unison and she inwardly sighs as she hands Clint the two hot dogs that are in her hands, happy that she could divert the conversation to the neutral territory of food. Once her hands are free, she reaches into the bag for her own hot dog.

Unwrapping it, she keeps her focus on Clint and Natasha, because, as usual the verbal sparring match over who gets to control the radio is starting to escalate. But this time, unlike all the other times, she doesn’t miss the undercurrent of anger in Clint’s voice.

Fifteen minutes later, she hands Clint his other hot dog along with Natasha’s and settling back in her seat, she watches the outside world slip by.

xxxx

Zoe’s eyes snap open and she takes in a couple of deep breaths to try and calm her racing heart. She doesn’t know exactly what woke her up, but letting out one final breath, she turns over, only to find the left side of the bed empty. Panic grips her, and she sits up quickly, eyes roaming around the darkened room.

“Clint?” she calls out. She doesn’t get an answer, but it immediately becomes apparent as to why, as her eyes land on the floor to ceiling sliding glass door, which leads out to the terrace off the master suite. The door is slightly ajar and she knows without a doubt that Clint is out on the terrace.

Her apartment is extravagant and not something that she would have ever bought or rented for herself, but being that she had inherited it from her grandparents, who had purchased it right after WWII, it was as good a place as any to put down roots. It would have gone to her parents, but they had not wanted to live in the city full time and instead had chosen a house in Westchester, and since her sister had ended up in DC, Zoe had gotten it.

After sixty some odd years, it had needed a major overhaul before she could move-in and since her father had always been good at construction, they had spent about six months working on it. They updated everything from the glass doors and windows that allow for really great views, to the kitchen and baths.

As soon as she had joined S.H.E.I.L.D. the agent housing and outside security department had come in and updated the security system. The main upgrade being a hand print and retinal scan id reader inside the elevator, along with a high-tech video surveillance panel right next to the elevator door inside the apartment, which would allow for manual override. Just in case Zoe decided to order take out or the person visiting was someone she knew, but who had not been entered in the system.

Sighing, she pushes the blankets off her legs and slowly gets out of the bed. She walks over to the sliding glass door and slides it open all the way. Stepping through it, she feels the panic start to dissipate as she easily spots Clint sitting on one of the lounge chairs, starring out at the skyline.

“Clint.” she says, as she walks out onto the terrace.

“I’m fine Zoe. Just needed some air.”

“You do realize it’s 2am, right?” she asks, as she comes to a stop on his right side and looks down at him.

Looking up at her, he sighs, “I’m fine.”

Shaking her head, she climbs into his lap, straddling it and as she does so, “Clint, come on, it’s just me here. No Tasha, no shrinks. Just me.”

Instead of answering her, he leans forward and kisses her as if his life depends on it. She is so shocked by the ferocity with which he is plundering her mouth and the grip he has on her, that she can do nothing but let it happen.

Eventually they come up for air, “well, you always did know how to knock the breath out of me.”

He grimaces and buries his head in the crook between her shoulder and neck, tightening his grip on her hips. As he does so, she lets out a little gasp as his grip is just this side of painful and, because he is literally shaking with the effort of keeping his emotions in check.

Ignoring the pain, she wraps her arms around him and runs her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, “let it out. It’s okay.”

“No…it really isn’t. I killed them Zoe. I killed him...and Nat didn’t tell…me and I’m furious…with her…and Phil is gone…and Laura’s gonna be…so pissed at me…and I’m losing you.”

Growling her displeasure, she pushes him away from her a little, so that she can look him in the eyes, “Clint, listen to me and don’t interrupt.”

She waits until he nods to indicate she should continue, “okay. First, you did not kill Phil or anyone else.” and placing her finger on his lips, she shakes her head, “no. That was all Loki. I know that everyone from Tasha and the team, to Fury have told you this, but maybe you’ll listen to me. Loki mind-raped you. He took away your free will and if you need proof, I will show you the video from the JDEM facility. You shot Fury in the chest, when normally you would’ve gone for a head shot and you completely missed Hill.”

“But…”

Glaring at him, “I said do not interrupt me.” and softening her expression as he breaks the eye contact and takes a deep breath, before nodding, “good. Now I know you’re pissed at Tasha for not telling you about Phil right away, and you have every right to be. But Clint, you guys are family and best friends and it’s time to forgive her. You’re not the only one who lost Phil. We all did, and we almost lost you too.”

She has to take a moment to get her emotions in check at this point, as even though she knows that Phil is not really dead, keeping it a secret really sucks.

Sensing that she is struggling, Clint pulls her into an embrace again, “I know you said don’t interrupt, but…”

Sniffling, she gives him a squeeze and pulls back again, because she’s not done lecturing him yet, “no, it’s okay. Now, where was I? Oh right. You are not losing me. I’ve already told you this, but I will continue to tell you, until it gets through that thick head of yours. I love you and knowing that you have kids, makes me love you even more. I’m sure you’re an amazing dad and husband. I just wish that I had gotten to you first.”

He smiles at her and she returns it, even if it’s a bit watery, “don’t cry.”

Chuckling a little, she rests her forehead against his, “don’t cry. Right. It’s not that easy Clint. You keep worrying that you’re going to lose me, which you’re not. But the truth is, I’m the one that’s losing you.”

He pulls back and cups her face in his hands, wiping away the tears that she has not been able to keep from falling, with his thumbs, “you’re not losing me Zoe.”

Griping his wrists, she leans forward a little and brushes a kiss against his lips, “yes. I am and it’s only right that I do. You can’t cheat on Laura anymore. I don’t care how you’ve been rationalizing it to yourself.”

Letting out a sigh, he drops his hands to her waist, and as he leans back against the lounge chair, he notices the arrow necklace that is around her neck and he smirks a little, the sight of it reminding him of when he had purchased it and why.

It was a Christmas/Chanukah gift that he had gotten for her and Natasha in 2004. He had been looking at the Tiffany website for a birthday gift for Laura, when he had come across the necklace. It was perfect, the pendant was platinum with round brilliant cut diamonds and he knew that they would get a kick out of it.

“Would it make a difference if I told you that I wasn’t the only one cheating?” he asks, as he continues to stare at the necklace.

Completely taken by surprise, “what? Are you sure?”

Frowning, he lets his head fall back against the lounge chair again, “no. I’m not. But the last time I was at the farm, Lila said,” and here he makes air quotes, “a man dropped mommy off last night.” Now I don’t know if it was just one of the guys from the kids’ school giving her a ride home after a PTA meeting or if she is seeing someone. But this is not the first time that one of the kids has said something like that.”

Sighing, she shifts off his lap so that she is sitting next to him, her left leg brushing against his, “okay, so let’s say that she has in fact been seeing someone. It still doesn’t make what we’ve been doing right.”

Lifting his head up, he meets her eyes and as he does so he takes her left hand in his, “you’re right Zoe, and I know you’re right. It’s just…” he lets out a sigh and scrubs his right hand over his face, “maybe it would have been better if you had gotten to me first.”

With that, he tugs her forward so that she is lying down next to him, his left arm around her shoulders and as soon as she’s settled, “thanks, I was getting a little chilly.”

Shifting the blanket that is draped around his shoulders around hers as well, “I figured, you’re shivering.”

Burying a little bit more into his embrace, staring out at the skyline, she shakes her head in amazement even though it shouldn’t surprise her that he noticed. After all, he isn’t called Hawkeye for nothing.

They sit in silence for a few minutes until she asks, “can I ask you a question?”

Sighing as he rests his head on hers, “anything.” 

She slides her left hand under his t-shirt and as her fingers start stroking along his right side, “if Laura has known what you do for a living from the beginning, how did we end up in bed together?”

Clint goes stiff in her arms and she inwardly sighs as she sits up and turns to look at him, “it was only supposed to be a one-time thing, wasn’t it?” 

Instead of answering her, he gets up from the lounge chair and limps over to the railing, where he leans on it, gazing out at the Empire State Building, which is lit up in red, white, and blue.

He had known she was going to ask him this eventually. But he had not expected her to ask him so soon after everything went up in flames.

“Clint?”

He startles as he feels her arms wrap around his waist, her head coming to rest between his shoulder blades. Cursing himself for the fact that he still hasn’t gotten his defenses back up to the point where he won’t jump at the slightest touch or sound, he lets out a sigh and as he leans back into her, “yeah Zo, it was.”

She tightens her arms around him for a brief second, before letting go so that she can move to his left side and as she does so, “do you love me?”

Frowning, as he doesn’t miss the uncertainty in her voice, he quickly pulls her into his arms and as he kisses the side of her neck, “yes, more than I probably should.”

Letting out a breath, she pulls back a little, “I’m glad to hear it, because I love you too. But you still didn’t answer my first question. How did we end up in bed together?”

Resting his forehead against hers, closing his eyes, “do you remember Budapest?”

This time she goes stiff in his arms, “yeah.”

Opening his eyes, he brushes a kiss against her lips, “when Nat and I went back to the farm after you cleared us, Laura freaked out, worse than she ever has.” he pulls out of her arms and leans against the railing again, “we fought, because it wasn’t the first time I had come home injured, and even though she knows that it’s part of the job, she has never fully accepted it. By the time the fight was over, she had told me we were done for good and kicked us out.”

She weaves her right hand through his left arm and as she takes his hand, entwining their fingers, “so when we first got together, you guys were separated?”

Squeezing her hand, “yeah. I had been attracted to you since I met you and you were willing, so I thought why the hell not? But then when you went out on the Cairo op with Wu and Sitwell, Laura called and asked me to come home. We talked about everything for the umpteenth time, But…”

She uses her grip on his hand to pull him back towards the lounge chair and as she does so, “but she doesn’t live this life like we do.”

Letting himself be pulled along, “see, you get it and Nat gets it, but Laura doesn’t really get it. She says that she does, but she doesn’t, and she can’t and I don’t hold it against her, because I do love her. I wouldn’t have married her if I didn’t,” and sitting down on the lounge chair, he pulls her down next to him and as he covers them with the blanket, “but she kept kicking me out and taking me back, at least until the op in Marseille. She finally just took me back and since then, it’s been good, but I couldn’t give you up, because I just kept expecting her to kick me out again, and when she didn’t I got so confused, that it just got harder to remember the reason why I should let you go and...”

“Clint, calm down. It’s okay. Breathe.” she says, as she shifts from his side onto his lap and wraps her arms around his neck.

He does as he’s told and what feels like forever but is only a couple of minutes later, “I’m sorry.”

Shrugging, “don’t be. You have every right to be pissed about this.” and reverting back to one of her favorite comforting tactics, she starts running her fingers through his hair.

They fall into a companionable silence, and a few minutes later, just as he is about to nod off, “Clint,” she winces as his eyes blink open and he glares at her, “sorry. But, do you think Laura will accept me, like she accepted Tasha? Cause, I don’t want to…”

He takes her face between his hands, rubbing his thumb over her lips, his eyes zeroed in on the motion, “I don’t know Zo. But I do know that I will never let you be alone.”

Leaning forward, dislodging his hands, she pulls him into a hug, “saying thank you for that just doesn’t seem adequate. But thank you. My family loves me and I love them, but like you said, even if they knew what I really do for a living, they wouldn’t be able to understand it.”

Kissing the side of her neck again, he pulls the blanket up around her shoulders, “Phil always said that we needed to keep each other close. He wasn’t happy that I was sleeping with you, just like he wasn’t happy when Nat and I slept together, but he understood why.” and resting his chin on her shoulder, gazing at the skyline, “he should still be here Zoe. If I…”

Squeezing her arms around him a little tighter, “no Clint. Don’t you dare! You did not kill him.”

Huffing out a laugh, that even to his ears sounds a little crazy, “yeah, Zoe. I did. If I hadn’t led the attack on the Helicarrier, Loki would never have gotten free and Phil wouldn’t have had to go up against him on his own.”

Using the grip, she has on his hair to pull his head away from her shoulder, looking him in the eyes, “Clint, it wasn’t you.”

He pulls his head out of her grip and as he does so he shifts her off his lap, “yes it was!” he shouts and getting up from the lounge chair, he begins to pace back and forth across terrace, “everyone keeps saying it wasn’t me. But it was. I knew what I was doing, Loki…” he trails off as he pulls at his hair and stops pacing, his shoulders hunching.

For a few moments, neither of them moves, Clint too wrecked to do anything else but stand there, his breathing ragged and Zoe completely at a loss as to what to say to comfort him. Finally, Clint lets out a wounded sound that she knows he never would have let out, were he not hurting as much as he is right now and that alone is what spurs her to get up and go to him, wrapping the blanket around her shoulders as she does so.

She does not however immediately touch him, too familiar with him lashing out when he feels threatened even just a little. With that in mind, she stops a few inches away from him and says, “Clint?”

His answer is another wounded sounding sob and she’s wrapping her arms around him as his legs give out and they end up in a heap on the floor of the terrace. The minute they’re down, he buries his head in her chest and clings to her for dear life, as for the second time that night he fights to keep his emotions from over flowing.

This time when Zoe says, “it’s okay Clint. Let it out.” He doesn’t fight her suggestion or the emotions and cries for one of the very few times in his adult life that he can ever remember.

She holds him as he cries, thankful that one of the upgrades she made to the apartment was soundproofing all the walls, as she doesn’t think he could handle having to deal with Natasha as well, at this moment.

xxxx

Eventually, he quiets and as he does so, “Loki…let me see what I was doing. I knew…what was happening…but I couldn’t stop…it!”

Kissing his forehead, “but you did stop it.”

Shaking his head against her chest, “no I didn’t! Nat knocked the shit outta me and that stopped it. But it wasn’t soon enough. I killed…”

She tightens her grip on him, rubbing his back, “shh Clint. It’s gonna…”

He growls low in his throat, but doesn’t pull out of her grip, “if you say it’s gonna be okay, I’m gonna hit you.”

Chuckling a little, “I’d like to see you try.” and sobering a little as his grip on her tightens, “Clint, you just told me that Loki let you see what you were doing, but if he let you see it, that means that you weren’t in control. If that’s the case, you are not to blame for this.”

He sits up and glares at her, “but I am.”

Lifting her hand up, she runs her fingers along his temple, smiling as he leans into the touch just like he always does, “no, Clint. You really aren’t. But like you always say, you see better from a distance, so for now, how about we agree to disagree?”

He leans forward and brushes his lips against hers, “I don’t…” he lets out a sigh, and tries again, “okay. But it is my fault, Zoe. All of it is.”

Matching his sigh, “like I said, we’re agreeing to disagree. I know that it’s what you need to tell yourself to get by. Now, can we go inside and get some sleep?”

“Do we have to?”

Standing up and holding out her hand, “Clint, just come and lie down with me.”

He hesitates to take her hand, but just as she lets out a sigh and starts to let her hand drop, he grabs it and as he squeezes it, “I’m sorry Zo, I…”

She pulls him up so quickly that the world spins, forcing him to lean on her until it stops. As it does so, he is able to focus on what she is saying, “…say you can’t, I’m gonna knock you out.”

Tightening his grip on her, slightly, “please don’t.”

Pulling him into a hug, resting her head on his shoulder, “why not?”

He grimaces as his back twinges in pain, but answers her question, “I don’t want to dream.”

She shifts so that she is looking him in the eyes, and seeing the fear that he’s trying to hide from her, she asks, “nightmares?”

He lets her go completely, nodding as he takes a few steps towards the lounge chair and as he sits down on the edge of it, he slouches forward, resting his arms on his knees and focuses on his feet, “yeah. I thought they’d stop once we sent Loki off, but…”

She steps closer to him, inserting herself between his legs and with her right hand, she lifts his face up so she can see his eyes, “but they’re getting worse, instead of better.”

He nods his head in answer instead of speaking and leans forward to wrap his arms around her waist, burying his head in her stomach.

A little surprised at his clinginess, she holds him close, her right hand coming to rest on the back of his neck, “Clint?”

“Please make them stop.”

“Oh, baby you know I would if I could. But all I can do is knock you out and you’ve already told me not to.”

He looks up at her, an eyebrow raised, “baby?”

Shrugging, as she pulls him up off the lounge chair again, this time a little slower, so that she won’t have to steady him, “sorry, it just slipped out.”

Matching her shrug as he pulls her into his side and they start heading for the door that leads into the master bedroom, “no, I kinda like it.”

Wrapping her arms around his waist, smiling, “really?”

Stepping through the sliding glass door, shutting it behind them, “yeah, really. I guess it’s just a little weird hearing you call me a pet name. You’ve never done it before.”

She takes a moment to think about it, and as they climb into bed, “you’re right. I haven’t. But I guess I kinda like it too.” and as they settle in the bed, Clint lying with his head on her chest, “try and rest. You don’t have to sleep, but just rest.”

Snuggling further into her arms, “and if I do fall asleep and have a nightmare?”

Kissing his forehead, “wake me up. Don’t think you have to face it on your own, Clint. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

Yawning, “I…really wish…I didn’t have to give you up.” he says through the yawn, and then he goes quiet.

_“You're not the only one who wishes that,”_ she thinks as she adjusts her grip on him. As she does so, she can tell that he isn't asleep, but is at least less tense than he had been. She kisses his forehead again, smiling at the hum that elicits from him and closes her eyes. A few minutes later, the only sounds in the room are their even synced up breaths, both soundly asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that some people are going to think that Zoe is a slut because of what happens in this chapter and the next, but I promise you she isn't. She is simply taking comfort from someone who doesn't know her backstory and is taking advantage of her, just as much as she is taking advantage of him.  
> Please read and enjoy.

* * *

During the renovations of her apartment, Zoe had had to figure out the best way to utilize the space in the guest bedroom. Not only as a full in-home gym, including a heavy bag, but as a comfortable place for her guests to sleep. She solved this problem by installing a Murphy bed, which she simply would raise into the wall when she wanted to work out.

This solution was the best of both worlds, as when she, Phil, Clint and Natasha were all on stand down at the same time, they would gravitate to her place instead of their individual apartments throughout the city. Which meant that the guest/workout room tended to see quite a bit of use. The four of them preferring to work out in-home, rather than having to trudge back to S.H.E.I.L.D. to work out at the on-site gym.

Obviously, one of the requirements to be an active field agent was being in peak physical form and when Zoe had joined S.H.I.E.L.D. she had already been in good shape, having played softball from an early age and then switching to running when her schooling took precedence. However, the first time she was invited to train with Natasha, Clint and Phil, she quickly figured out that she would have to up her game. She did so, and while doing so, she discovered that her favorite type of training was the punching bag. She could wail on it for as long as she wanted, losing herself to the motion and simply ignoring whatever happened to be bothering her at the time.

Which at this moment was everything that had happened since the Battle for New York, about fifteen months ago. Completely absorb in her task of punishing the bag, she startles a little and then lets out a growl of rage as she realizes that the footsteps she had heard coming into the guest/workout room belong to none other than Steve Rogers.

Grimacing at the raw emotion he hears in the scream, he slowly walks around to the other side of the bag, and as he places his hands on it to stop it from swinging, “Zoe, what are you doing?”

She doesn’t answer him and shaking his head, he focuses on her hands and catching sight of the blood, “Zoe, stop!”

“No! I...need…to...do this!” she grunts out.

Letting go of the bag, he moves to stand behind her, “you’re bleeding.” he says, as he grabs her shoulder. She swings at him, but he easily catches her arm and pulls her into him, her back to his chest.

Feeling his arms wrapped around her, the emotions she had been funneling in to taking down the bag, get the better of her and as her legs buckle, she sinks down to the floor, Steve holding her tight, as she sobs, against him.

Five minutes later, feeling him rubbing her arms, she finally gets her emotions in check and taking a deep breath, “what are…you doing here?”

Feeling her breathing settling down, he loosens his hold on her, “Romanoff mentioned that you were having a rough go of things.”

Pulling out of his arms and turning around to face him, she crosses her legs in front of her, and as she rests her hands on her knees, “you drove all the way up here from D.C, to check up on me? That’s really sweet Steve, but it’s not like we’re dating or anything and I’m fine.”

Sighing, “Zoe, come on, we’ve been working together for almost a year and half. How can you think that I wouldn’t come after you?” and motioning at her hands with his chin, “and you’re not fine.”

Matching his sigh, her eyes dart to the picture of her and Natasha sandwiched by Phil and Clint, all of them smiling at the camera, dressed to the nines, and as she looks back at him, “okay, I’m not fine. But you and Tasha don’t have to worry. I’ll be back in D.C. on Monday and ready to get back to work.”

He follows her quick glance and it finally hits him, “this has to do with agents Coulson and Barton, doesn’t it?”

Needing to move, she stands up and heads into the en-suite bathroom to grab the first aid kit, “why would you say that?”

Also, getting up, he follows her, “well, it makes sense. We’re coming up on the anniversary of Coulson’s memorial and we haven’t heard from Barton since then.”

Standing up from where she had crouched down to grab the first aid kit from under the sink, “It’s…”

He takes the first aid kit from her and as he guides her to sit down on the edge of the bathtub, “let me guess, it’s complicated?”

Sitting down, she hisses as he gently takes her right hand in his left and as she watches him inspect it, “it’s not that it’s complicated. It’s…” she trails off as he swipes the cuts with an antiseptic pad.

“Sorry.” he says, as he swipes the cuts again, “you really did a number on your knuckles.”

Sighing, “yeah.”

She keeps quiet as he continues to clean her right hand, but as he switches to her left, she says, “it’s not that I don’t trust you, Steve, because I do. Like you said, we’ve been working together for a while now. It’s just that if I tell you about what’s going on, we’ll both be in trouble and I don’t want to put you in that position. I won’t, so please don’t ask me to explain it to you. I’ll deal with it on my own, especially since what’s going on is above your clearance level.”

He pauses in his ministrations, and raises an eyebrow, “Zoe, my clearance is higher than yours.”

Frowning, “not for this it isn’t.”

Matching her frown, he goes back to cleaning the cuts on her left hand and as he does so, he thinks about what she’s just told him. A few minutes later as he is wrapping bandages around both of her hands, “what did Fury want to talk to you about after the mission debrief yesterday?”

Grimacing as he tapes up the bandage on her left hand, “Steve, please…”

Looking her in the eyes, resting a hand on her right knee, he gives it a gentle squeeze, “just tell me if it’s what set you off?”

Letting out a sigh, “has anyone ever told you that you’re very hard to lie to?”

Smirking a little, “more than once, and to tell you the truth, I really don’t get it. But I’ll use every advantage I can get.”

Shaking her head, she stands up, but before she can step away from him, he gently grips her wrist, “Zoe, answer me please.”

She has to look up a little to meet his eyes, and as she does so, “fine. If you really want to know, it has everything to do with what set me off.”

He pulls her into a hug then, and as he does so, “is there anything I can do?”

Pulling back a little, looking up at him again, “could you tell Tasha not to worry?”

Chuckling, “that’s like telling a mama bear not to defend her young. But, I’ll try.” and before either of them realize what is happening, he is leaning down and capturing her lips in a kiss.

She melts into it, but a few seconds later, they both pull away from each other as if they were burned, “I’m sorry…no I’m sorry.”

They fall silent, staring at each other, breathing heavily and just as the silence is about to become uncomfortable, “well that was…”

“Interesting?” Steve finishes for her and seeing the small smile playing on her lips, “I’m sorry, Zoe. I didn’t mean to…”

Leaning forward, she brushes her lips across his again, to silence him and as she pulls back, “no Steve, don’t. I kissed you back, so don’t apologize.” She sits down on the side of the tub again, and smiling a little, “it’s been a while and I can tell you, there are a lot of women out there who would kill for the chance to say they got to kiss Captain America.”

Sitting down next to her, letting out a groan, “ugh, don’t remind me.”

Smirking at him, “oh come on Steve, you could have anyone you want.”

Turning to face her, “but not you?”

Completely taken aback by the emotions written across his face, she reaches up and caresses his cheek, “you don’t want me Steve. I’m not good enough for you.”

Gripping her gently around the waist, he pulls her onto his lap, and as he leans in for another kiss, “maybe I’m tired of being good.”

The next thing Zoe knows, she is being lifted easily into his arms and pinned against the bathroom wall. She loses herself in the feel of him plundering her mouth, so different from how it felt when Clint was the one to do this to her and lets out a groan of pleasure as he shifts to deepen the angle of the kiss.

She tears at his shirt to get at bare skin and once she has it off, she revels in the smooth expanse of it under her fingertips, as she runs them up and down his back.

He lifts her up and as she wraps her legs around his waist, he starts mouthing his way down her neck, causing her head to fall back against the wall, “take me…to bed…now!” she pants out.

He pulls back to look at her, a wicked smirk on his face, “yes ma’am.” and with that he carries her out of the bathroom, through the guest bedroom/gym out into the hallway and up the stairs to master bedroom.

Once there, the rest of their clothes come off as fast as they can manage and as soon as they are naked, he gently places her on the bed, smiling as she pulls him on top of her, eagerly capturing his mouth with hers.

They lie there kissing each other, until, “do you have…”

Smiling down at him, as he continues to suck on her right nipple, “bedside…drawer.”

He kisses his way up her chest and leans up over her to open the drawer, where he easily finds the condom. With a few quick movements, he has himself covered and is driving into her, both letting out matching moans of pleasure as his thrusts hit her in just the right spot. He rides her fast and hard and just when she doesn’t think she can take it anymore, her body tips over into oblivion and she is only vaguely aware of him following her seconds later.

xxxx

Awareness returns a few minutes later and the first thing she says is, “well, that definitely rules out that rumor.”

Running a hand down her back, letting out a huff of laughter, “let me guess, everyone thinks I’m still a virgin?”

Lifting her head up from his chest, smiling as she gazes into his eyes, “yep.” and kissing her way up his chest to his lips, “just…so…you know. I…never…believed it for…a second.”

Returning the kiss, smiling as he lets his head fall back on the pillow, “how’d you figure it out?”

Resting her chin on his chest, “well, if I were a gorgeous guy in my twenties touring around the country with a group of beautiful show girls, I don’t think it would take me that long to figure out how to spend my nights.”

Frowning, “you make it sound like I slept around a lot.”

Shaking her head, “no. I didn’t mean it like that. What I meant is, you seem like the type of guy to only like a couple of girls enough to give them the chance to sleep with you. Not the whole troop.”

Gently gripping her shoulders, he flips her so that she is on her back and after leaning down to kiss her one more time, “well you’re right about there being a couple of dames I liked. But none of them made me come as fast as you. Shall we go again?”

Instead of answering him, she simply pulls him down and starts kissing the column of his throat. This time around they take their time, slowly learning which spots on their bodies drive them insane with pleasure. But even as she orgasms for the second time in an hour and a half and he follows her over the edge again, she can’t help but feel like she’s cheating on Clint and she lets out a sob as she comes.


	10. Chapter 10

* * *

This time when she comes back to her senses, she frowns as she sees Steve sitting up, his arms wrapped around his knees. Realizing that she is probably to blame for this, she sits up as well and as she wraps her arms around his middle, kissing his shoulder blade, “penny for your thoughts?”

Glancing over his shoulder at her, “a penny isn’t what it used to be.”

Frowning, “well, I think I make enough to cover it. What’s wrong?”

He pulls her onto his lap and nuzzles her neck, “you, ah. You cried when you ah…”

It takes a second for her to realize what he’s referring to, as the sensation of his lips trailing along her throat is very distracting, but the minute it hits her, she pulls back abruptly and just stares at him.

The silence stretches and just as he’s about to speak, she beats him to it, “you didn’t do anything wrong, but I can’t...”

Sighing, “great, we’re back to this now?” and shifting her off his lap, he goes back to sitting with his arms wrapped around his knees, “what am I supposed to think here, Zoe?”

Matching his sigh, she leans forward so that her forehead is resting against his shoulder, “I’m sorry Steve. I just can’t go into it. But please know that I was sworn to secrecy to keep it from you and the rest of the Avengers.”

That gets his attention and he shifts so fast that before she can say anything else, he’s pinning her to the bed, “does it have anything to do with what happened during the Battle for New York?”

A little frightened by how intense his gaze is on her, she shakes her head, “yes and that’s all I can say.”

Seeing the fear in her eyes, he releases her and as he huddles into himself, “I’m sorry Zoe. I didn’t mean to.”

She sits up and pulls him on top of her again, “it’s fine, you just took me by surprise.”

Letting his forehead drop to her chest, “no, I scared you. I saw it in your eyes. I forget my own strength sometimes.” and lifting his head up to look her in the eyes, “forgive me?”

Leaning in to kiss him, “consider…it…forgiven.” and letting her head fall against the pillows again, running her fingers through his hair, “as to why I cried when I came,” she takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, “I’m in love with someone else and what we’re doing...”

Realization dawns on his face, “we’re having an affair.”

Shaking her head again, “sort of.”

He rolls off her and pulls her with him so that he is holding her, her head resting on his chest and his hand rubbing up and down her back, “he’s a lucky guy. Do I know him?”

Lifting her head up, and smiling a little, “yeah, but we haven’t seen him for a while.”

“Wait, you’re in love with Barton?!”

She doesn’t answer him, instead she buries her face in his chest and as she cuddles closer to his side, he lets out a whistle, “jeez, Zoe.”

She still doesn’t answer him, and he lets her have another couple of minutes to collect herself.

Eventually though, the questions that the admission have brought up, become too much and, “why did you lie to me?” is the one he leads with.

Shifting so that she is looking down at him, “I didn’t necessarily lie to you Steve. I just didn’t tell you the whole truth.”

Shaking his head, “no, I specifically remember asking if there was anything between you, Barton and Romanoff and you said no.” he thinks about it for another second, “and come to think of it, so did they.”

Sighing, “okay. Fine. At one point, there was something going on between Clint, and me and as I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors around base, there was something going on between Clint and Tasha. But it was just a fling, and that was a long time ago.”

“At one point? Does that mean that you’re not in a relationship with him now?”

Biting her bottom lip, “yeah. We broke it off completely before he left.”

Raising an eyebrow, “completely?”

Glaring at him, “man, you’re like a dog with a bone, aren’t you?” she places her fingers on his lips to keep him from responding, “don’t answer that and to answer your question, yes. Completely. Before the battle, we had been on again, off again since we started seeing each other back in 2004.”

He kisses her fingertips, “wow. Okay then.”

She traces his bottom lip with her thumb and looking him in the eye, “you’re not gonna ask how we got together?”

He looks away from her and shrugs, “well, I am curious. But I didn’t want to seem too interested.”

Chuckling, she leans down and captures his lips with hers. They trade lazy kisses for a few minutes before she pulls back and resettles next to him, “Budapest happened in 2004.”

He tightens his grip around her, not having missed the shakiness of her voice, “I take it, it was a bad mission?”

She tightens her hold on him as well, and closing her eyes, “I’ve been with S.H.E.I.L.D. since 1998 and to this day I have never been involved with a mission that went as FUBAR as Budapest and that’s saying something.”

“What happened?”

Sighing, she opens her eyes and shifts so that she can look him in the eyes again, “I lost everyone on the mission except for Tasha, Clint and Phil.”

“You lost…” it takes less than a second for realization of what she just said to sink in and when it does, “oh, Zoe. I don’t...” he trails off, simply not knowing how to respond.

She shrugs, “yeah. I know. It’s hard to understand, but doing what we do, you go into things knowing that there is always a chance that someone is not going to come back. But as a doctor, I always go out with the mindset that I’m not going to lose anyone on my watch. Up until that mission, I hadn’t lost a single agent under my care and then in one fell swoop I lost ten out of the fourteen we left base with.”

“How did this all lead to you ending up with Barton?”

Rolling her eyes at his impatience, “well, long story short, Fury had Delta on stand down while Phil, Tasha and Clint, well mostly Clint healed up. Tasha and Phil got called out for a mission on my birthday two weeks after we got back from Budapest, and Clint and I tumbled into bed with each other.”

Rolling so that he is now on top of her, “but why have you been on and off for eight years?”

Scowling a little, “I can’t tell you that, it’s not my story to tell. But let’s just say that had I known the reason for why we weren’t settling down, I would have broken it off a lot sooner than I did.”

He leans down and starts to tease her right nipple, smiling as it elicits a gasp of pleasure from her and as he kisses his way over to the left one, he looks up at her to find her eyes heavy lidded with lust and locked on him, the scowl completely gone. Smile widening, he refocuses his attention on her nipple, until he feels her hand gripping his hair and he allows her to pull his lips to hers.

Again, they spend some time trading kisses, this time more heated than the last and five minutes later, just as he pulls back to calm his breathing, the look she gives him takes him completely by surprise. So much so, that his mind flashes back to the last time he had a woman give him that look, and he looks away.

Being as perceptive as she is, she doesn’t miss the shift in his demeanor and reaching out, she gently grips his chin and turns his face to hers so that he is looking right at her, “Steve, what’s wrong?”

He jerks his chin out of her hold, but doesn’t break eye contact, “it’s nothing.”

Raising an eyebrow at him, “yeah, right. You look like you just saw a ghost.”

Frowning at her, “okay fine. The way you were just looking at me reminded me of someone I used to know. She looked at me the same way, once.”

It takes her a moment to remember everything that Phil had ever told her, Clint and Natasha about Steve and the people that he knew during the war and it finally clicks. The one person that he has been going to see on a regular basis, the one person who he only ever had romantic feelings for but never got to do anything more with than kiss, “Peggy?”

He blinks at her in surprise, “yeah. How’d you know?”

Chuckling, “Phil. He knew everything about you. Well, except for the fact that you aren’t a virgin. We disagreed about that one.”

He chuckles as well and as he shifts off her, he catches sight of the clock on the bedside table, “I could go for some food. How bout you?”

Hearing the plea in his voice to leave this topic alone and not having missed that it is now dark outside, she decides to let him keep his past as just that, “yeah. That would be good.” and getting out of the bed, “you want to grab a shower?”

He climbs out of the bed and as he follows her into the bathroom, “yes, please.”

xxxx

They shower together and once they’re dressed, she leads him down the stairs, “pizza okay?”

He grimaces a little, “to be honest, I haven’t had a decent slice of pizza since before the war.”

She stops dead in her tracks and stares at him, “excuse me?! How is that even possible?”

Shrugging, he pulls her hand to get her moving again, “well, during the war it was too expensive to buy a slice, let alone a pie and then once I’d been changed into this,” he motions to his body, “I was on tour constantly and then in Europe. So yeah, no pizza.”

As they get into the elevator, “but you’ve been back for almost a year and a half now. You’re telling me you haven’t had a slice of pizza yet?”

Smiling as they get off the elevator, “Zoe, I said that I haven’t had a “decent” slice since before the war. Not that I haven’t had any pizza.”

Returning his smile, and shaking a finger at him, “it’s like splitting hairs with you, you know that?” and hanging a left out of her building, “okay, Grimaldi’s it is.”

This time he stops short, “wait. They’re still around?”

Pulling his hand to get him moving, her smile widens, “ah, I knew you had good taste. Yes, they’re still around. But we don’t have to go all the way to Brooklyn to get a slice, now.”

He quickens his steps and as he pulls her along, “pizza it is!”

She breaks into a slight jog, to make up for the difference in their strides and as she does so, “pizza it is.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, I have taken liberties with what type of pizza Steve likes, as I truly have no idea. But being that Grimaldi's is amazing, and they've been around since the early 1900s, it just makes sense that he might have had their pizza before he went off to war. I have also included the name of the actual owner of the pizzeria and since I don't know him personally, I have also take liberties on whether he speaks Italian and what he is like in terms of age and mannerisms, etc.  
> Again, I don't own any of the characters created by Marvel, I'm just borrowing them. I do own Dr. Zoe Novak. I have used Google translate for the Italian, so if it is incorrect, I apologize.

* * *

Dinner at Grimaldi’s had turned out to be a bit of a bad idea, if only because the minute they entered the pizzeria, Steve was recognized and swarmed by everyone there, pizzeria staff and customers alike. And if that wasn’t enough, the commotion attracted the attention of a “NBC 4” news crew who had been across the street reporting on a string of robberies that had hit the neighborhood.

It was quite funny to see the situation devolve. One minute they were minding their own business, having a great conversation about what makes a good pizza pie and the next Steve was surrounded and Zoe was on the phone to S.H.E.I.L.D.

The agent on call promised to have a response team to their location within thirty minutes and after hanging up, all Zoe could do was watch as Steve tried to acquiesce to all the requests for autographs and photos, while also trying to ward off the reporters’ questions about what he was doing at Grimaldi’s and whom he was having dinner with.

xxxx

Twenty minutes later, the owner of Grimaldi’s, Frank Ciolli comes over to her and with a smile on his face, asks her, “Dr. Novak, are you here with the captain?”

Without taking her eyes off Steve, who seems to be handling all of this with his usual grin and bear it face on, “yes, Mr. Ciolli. I’m sorry for the mess.”

Instantly frowning, as he looks over at Steve as well and then back at Zoe, “no, please don’t apologize. This is wonderful exposure for us. To think, Captain America likes our pizza. This will bring in a lot of business. I am very grateful.”

Turning to face him, “well, to be honest, he doesn’t just like your pizza. He loves it. He said it was his favorite when he was growing up and he was really looking forward to it.”

Mr. Ciolli’s frown morphs into a smile so quickly, Zoe, can’t imagine she has ever seen anything like it before, but before she can say anything else, the doors to the restaurant open and she lets out a silent breath, as a group of S.H.E.I.L.D. agents flow in. Without much hassle, they have the reporter and her crew, and the rest of the people surrounding Steve herded out of the pizzeria, leaving a deafening silence in their wake.

Steve immediately deflates, but smiles when he sees Zoe heading his way, “you’d think that I’d be used to it by now.” he says, his smile turning self-deprecating as she reaches him.

Returning his smile, she lays a hand on his shoulder, “I don’t think anyone would be used to that.” and gesturing towards Mr. Ciolli, who followed her over to Steve’s side, “Steve, this is Mr. Ciolli. He owns Grimaldi’s.”

Straightening up from his slouch, Steve holds out his hand, “sir. I’m sorry about all of that.”

Shaking Steve’s hand, his smile widening that much more if it’s possible, “not a problem captain. It’s an honor to have you here and I hear that you love our pizza?”

Chuckling a little as he leans against the booth that Zoe just sat down in, “someone has been telling stories?” he asks, with a smile and a raised eyebrow at her, and looking back at Mr. Ciolli, “yes sir. Before the war, I would save up to by a slice at your original location in Brooklyn. I have to say, I’m glad you guys are still around.”

Heading for the back of the pizzeria, glaring at his staff to get them moving to the kitchen, “well, say no more captain. Any time you and your friends want pizza; just say the word and you’ll have it. On the house.”

Steve splutters at the gift, but before he can respond, Zoe lays a hand on his arm and with a smile, “thanks Mr. Ciolli. That’s very kind of you.”

Popping his head out through the service window at the back of the restaurant, “it’s the least we can do.” and he disappears again into the kitchen.

Zoe looks at Steve, who sits down heavily next to her, “you okay?”

Sighing as he leans into her side, draping his left arm around her shoulders, “yeah. I just…you seem to know him pretty well?”

She smiles and looks towards the kitchen, where they can hear the sounds of the whole staff talking excitedly as they work, “yeah. I order from here a lot and when I can, I stop by on my way home.”

Also looking towards the kitchen, “do you think they’re all gonna want an autograph, too?”

She is about to answer his question, but her phone goes off. Instead, she squeezes his left thigh in support and picks up the phone on the second ring, “yes ma’am…I know ma’am...sorry ma’am…We’re just waiting on our food and then we’ll be going back to my place…I promise, we’ll stick to take-out…Maria, I promise…okay, thanks.”

Hanging up, she lets out a sigh and as she stands up from the booth, “we’ve got to head back. That was Hill, she said that she can’t keep this place quiet much longer and the NYPD is starting to have an and I quote “hissy fit” about S.H.E.I.L.D. blocking off the area just so we can have a slice of pizza.”

Matching her sigh, but standing up as well, “well, we can’t have that. Can we?” and heading for the back of the pizzeria towards the kitchen, “Mr. Ciolli?”

“Si?”

Coming to a stop right in front of the window leading into the kitchen, “it looks like we can’t stay. But is there any way we could get a couple of slices to go?”

Coming out from the kitchen, frowning, “why can’t you stay? I don’t mind having to shut down for you.”

Stepping up next to Steve, “grazie. Ma se non avete notato, ci sono uomini in piedi al di fuori mantenendo tutti, compresi i mezzi di comunicazione via e la polizia stanno iniziando ad avere problema con noi mantenere il flusso del traffico da ottenere attraverso là fuori.” (Thank you. But if you haven't noticed, there are men standing outside keeping everyone, including the media away and the police are starting to have issue with us keeping the flow of traffic from getting through, out there.)

Letting the shock cross his face as she has clearly taken him by surprise, but nodding as he turns to head back into the kitchen, speaking over his shoulder, “Tu parli italiano? Naturalmente si parla italiano, tu sei qui con Capitan America e gli uomini in nero. In ogni caso, dammi solo cinque minuti in più, e avrò il vostro cammino.” (You speak Italian? Of course, you speak Italian, you are here with Captain America and the Men in Black. Anyway, give me just five more minutes, and I will have you on your way.)

Watching his retreating back, Steve turns to face Zoe, eyebrow raised, “you did that just to show off, didn’t you?”

Smiling at him, “no. When you called his name, he answered in Italian. It just made sense to speak in his native tongue. It speeds things along.”

Looking over his shoulder at the flash bulbs that are going off just outside of the pizzeria, “when we get back to your place, will you talk to me in Italian?”

Smirking at him, “ah, you like it?”

Blushing down to his roots, he mumbles his answer, “just a little.”

Chuckling, Zoe turns just as Mr. Ciolli steps out of the doors leading to the kitchen carrying two take out boxes, “ah, Mr. Ciolli, this is too much.” she says, as he hands her the boxes.

Smiling, “nonsense. You will have extra to eat for the rest of the weekend, will you not?”

Returning his smile as he accepts the boxes from Zoe, as she reaches for her wallet, “true. Thank you, sir. This is very kind of you.”

Frowning as Zoe tries to hand him money, “no. I already said that the captain and his friends eat for free here. Please. With my thanks, Dr. Novak.”

Shaking her head in amusement as he herds her and Steve out of the pizzeria, “grazie Signore.”

Nodding his head as he stops in the doorway to the pizzeria and watches Steve and Zoe head away from the mass of people that have now gathered outside, as the word of them being there has spread quickly, “sei il benvenuto, capitano, medico Novak.” (You’re welcome, captain, doctor Novak.)

With the agents on site’s help, they’re able to get away mostly unscathed, and minimally photographed. However, as soon as they get back to Zoe’s apartment, her phone goes off again, this time with a text and as she gets the plates and napkins, Steve heads for the couch in the living room to turn on the TV. They eat their way through one of the pies to the coverage of their outing playing out on “NBC 4” and every other major news network, which had immediately picked up the feed.

xxxx

An hour later, and Zoe’s only thought is, “well, on the plus side they still don’t know who I am.”

Steve looks down at Zoe, who is leaning against his side, her legs curled under her and a blanket draped over them, “and I thought I was the glass half full guy.”

Chuckling, Zoe shifts her position so that her back is against the arm of the couch and as she sticks her feet under his right thigh, “think about it Steve, for me, being caught on camera isn’t a good thing.”

He does think about it, “I guess you’re right. How do you live like that?”

Raising an eyebrow, “how do I live like what?”

Turning so that he is facing her, “come on Zoe, you know what I’m talking about. How do you live with all the secrets? I mean, Romanoff I get and most of the other people at S.H.E.I.L.D. I can understand how they deal with it, but you? I’ve seen the photos of your family you have around here, the photo you have of you with Agents Barton, Romanoff and Coulson. You can’t tell me that it sits easy with you.”

Frowning, she lets her head fall back against the arm of the couch and staring at the ceiling for a moment, “Steve, I don’t…”

“Zoe, you had to give up the guy you’re in love with and the only way I even know that is because I basically fucked the information out of you!”

Her head snaps up in response to his anger and finally losing control of her own emotions, “wow, Captain America has a mouth on him, who’d have thought!”

Rolling his eyes, “oh for fucks sakes! Yes, I have a mouth on me. Why does everyone always…oh no. You’re not gonna get out of answering my question! How do you live with what you do and keep it a secret?!”

Getting up from the couch, the need to be as far away from him as she can be right now, courses through her and she starts to pace. She paces back and forth for a few seconds and realizing that she’s not going to be able to get out of this without the truth, she grits out her answer, “because I don’t know any other way!”

Surprised by her answer and the emotion that he hears in her voice, he too gets up and plants himself in her path, “what do you mean?”

She glares at him for forcing her to stop short, and letting out a huff of hysterical laughter, “I mean that this is what I was brought up to do.” and seeing the look of horror that comes over his face, “no, no. Not like Tasha.” and scrubbing a hand over her face and through her hair, “ugh, I’ve never had to explain this to someone.”

He steps closer to her, “I’ve always found that starting at the beginning is as good a place as any.”

Wrapping her arms around his neck, she smiles a little at the look he’s giving her and after a seconds’ hesitation, she leans in and kisses him. A few minutes later she pulls back and biting her bottom lip, “okay. The beginning. Well, I guess that would be half way through my residency at NY Presbyterian. I was…”

“Is this going to be a long story?” he asks, as he pulls her flush against his body.

Sucking in a breath, as she can feel the want that is simmering just below the surface of his skin, “kind…of.”

He smiles and as he lifts her easily into his arms and heads for the stairs, “then let’s get more comfortable.”

Laughing, “why do I feel like you just want to get me into bed?”

Climbing the stairs, he meets her eyes, “Zoe, please don’t hold this against me, but if you haven’t figured it out already, I am extremely into you.” and depositing her gently on the bed, he climbs over her, and after kissing her once, “I also haven’t had a desire or real chance to be with someone who doesn’t care who I am in a really long time.”

Her heart melts just a little bit at the confession and she can’t help herself, she attacks him, kissing her way down his chest and driving him crazy with pleasure. The next thing he knows, they’re having sex and after falling asleep in each other’s arms, she eventually tells him how Phil recruited her to work for S.H.E.I.L.D. They spend the rest of the weekend having sex and sharing stories of how they grew up, both having missed out on having normal lives. Her because of being as smart as she is and joining S.H.E.I.L.D. and him because of joining the army and becoming captain America.

Before they leave New York on Monday morning, they promise each other that even if they want to maybe see where things between them might go, it is not something that they are going to pursue, as neither of them truly have the time to do so.


	12. The Beginning of Zoe's End at SHIELD. Or Is It? (Sept. 2013)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a part of this chapter that will contradict a scene in CA:TWS, but I believe that Natasha was teasing Steve, more than anything in the scene in the truck on the way to the army base. And that was because in the back of her mind she remembers what Zoe had told her in this scene.  
> So that's my take on it. Please don't hate me for it.

* * *

As soon as they reach the Triskelion on Monday afternoon, neither of them are surprised to find Natasha waiting for them in the underground garage. As they climb off Steve’s bike, they share a smile, as neither of them are fooled by the air of nonchalance that Natasha is trying and failing to pull off by leaning against her black Corvette Stingray.

Completely ignoring her, which he knows annoys her to no end, Steve accepts the helmet that Zoe is handing out to him, and as he leans in to kiss her on the cheek, “I’ll see you at the briefing this evening?” 

Smiling, as she steps back from him, “yeah. I’ll see you there.” and quickly glancing over her shoulder at Natasha and then back at him, “thanks for this weekend.”

Shrugging, as he nods at Natasha, who has just come up behind Zoe, “it was my pleasure.” and grabbing his duffle from the back of the bike, “thanks for treating me to good pizza.”

Chuckling a little, as she watches him turn and head for the elevator, “if I remember correctly, I didn’t _do_ the treating.”

Also chuckling, Steve looks over his shoulder as he reaches the elevator, “oh, so that’s how it’s gonna be?”

Quickly glancing at Natasha and then back at him, “yep. That’s how it’s gonna be, _cap_.”

He glances between her and Natasha as he gets on the elevator and with a nod, “all right _doctor_.”

As the doors to the elevator close, shutting him off from their sight, Natasha turns to face Zoe, and with a raised eyebrow she asks, “what was that about?”

Turning to face her, as she too hefts her duffle onto her shoulder from the back of the bike, “it was nothing Tasha, just having some fun.”

Crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at her, “Zoe, come on. You can’t expect me to believe that. Something happened this weekend, what was it?”

Sighing, she turns to head for the elevator and as she does so, “Tasha, nothing happened.” and seeing the glare that Natasha is aiming at her, “fine. If you must know, we kissed. It…”

“You what?!”

Smiling, as it is usually hard to surprise Natasha, “we kissed. But Tasha, please don’t tell anyone that I told you, especially not Steve. We promised it…”

Returning her smile, and pulling her into her side, “let me guess, you guys agreed it would be a one-time thing?”

Allowing Natasha to guide her into the waiting elevator, “yeah.”

Squeezing her shoulder, “don’t worry, my lips are sealed.” and as the elevator opens to let them off into the lobby of the Triskelion, they separate and start heading for the corridor that will lead them to the women’s locker room.

They drop the conversation in lieu of other non-gossip inducing topics, but as they reach their lockers, which are right next to each other, Natasha asks, “so, is he a virgin?”

Chuckling a little as she opens her locker, pitching her voice just as low as Natasha had, “nope. Not at all.”

Staring at her for a second, “well, how about that?” and as she starts undressing, “the mission tomorrow should go as planned. Although Hill has some last-minute details that she said she wants to go over at the briefing this evening.”

Sitting down on the bench in front of the lockers, she looks up at Natasha with a frown on her face, “you know, if Phil were alive, we’d at least have more than a couple of days between missions.”

Before either of them can react to what she just said, “Dr. Novak?” cuts through the noise of the locker room, and turning to face the junior agent who just called her name, “yes?”

“Um.”

Smirking at the look of fear that is plastered on the junior agent’s face as her eyes flick between her and Natasha, Zoe decides to take pity on her, “what did you need Barskey?”

Audibly gulping, but focusing on Zoe, “right. Ah, Director Fury needs to see you.”

Letting out a sigh, she looks over at Natasha, “I’m sorry about…”

Shaking her head, “don’t. Not now.”

Biting her bottom lip, Zoe looks between her and Barskey, and returning her nod, “okay. Rain check?”

Easily letting a smile cross her face, “of course. Radio me when you’re done.”

Nodding and closing her locker, she turns to face Agent Barskey and motioning in the direction of the exit, “lead the way.”

 


	13. Coulson Returns. Sort Of.

* * *

Barskey doesn’t say anything to her on the way to Fury’s office; she just knocks on the office door and then leaves Zoe standing there. Just as Zoe is about to knock again, the door opens and she enters the office to the sound of Fury’s “come in.”

She quickly walks over to stand in front of his desk and as she comes to a stop, “you wanted to see me, sir?”

Gesturing to one of the chairs to her left, “I think we should drop the formalities for this conversation, Zoe.”

As she sits down on the edge of the chair directly to her left, “ok, Nick.” and relaxing back against the chair a little, “what did you want to talk to me about? I think you pretty much laid down the law the last time we talked.”

Grimacing a little, he looks past her and without giving anything away, he looks back, “I wanted to apologize for that and I hope that this,” he motions behind her, “will help make up for some of it.”

“Zoe.”

She twists around in her seat to see Phil standing there, alive and smiling at her and instead of turning around and diving across Fury’s desk, to punch him in his one good eye like she wants to, she darts out of the chair and into Phil’s open and waiting arms.

“You have one-hour Cheese.”

Zoe pulls back at that, and looks up at Phil, “what does he mean?”

Smiling, he guides her to sit down on the couch and as they do so, “technically we’re not supposed to see each other."

Biting her bottom lip, “yeah, Nick might have mentioned something like that when he told me that everything worked out with the treatment, on Thursday. It’s one of the reasons why I bolted.”

Taking her hand in his, he kisses the inside of her left wrist and meeting her eyes, “well, it was a good thing you did so. It helped me convince him that if I can’t see Romanoff and Barton, at least I should be allowed to see you.”

She leans forward and wraps her arms around him, burying her face in his shoulder, which muffles her next words, “I don’t know what to do Phil.”

Wrapping his arms around her, he leans against the back of the couch and lets out a sigh, “let me guess, Barton has gone silent and Romanoff has thrown herself into work?”

Smiling to herself, “got it in one.” and shifting against him, she leans further into his embrace, “I know that Clint was with Laura and the…”

“Wait. You know about Laura and the kids?”

Shifting out of his arms, she shrugs, “yeah. You’ve missed a lot.”

Raising an eyebrow, “huh. I guess so. But what happened between you…” he trails off as he doesn’t miss the look of hurt that briefly enters her eyes, but is gone a second later, and instead of calling her on it, “okay, what else have I missed?”

Not meeting his eyes, as she knows what she is about to tell him is going to throw him for a loop, “well, I kind of, may have slept with someone you are obsessed with.”

It takes a second, but she can tell the moment he realizes who she is referring to and she waits for the inevitable explosion.

“Zoe, how…No. I don’t…believe it. He’s not…you didn’t…but I thought.”

She really tries to keep a straight face, “Phil, breathe. It’s okay.” and seeing the glare he directs at her, “by the way…he’s not…a virgin.”

He takes a deep breath and tries again, “okay. First off, I can’t believe you did that. Second, I’m sorry that I wasn’t here for you. Third, I can’t believe you slept with captain Rogers and fourth…”

“Phil.”

Giving her a sheepish smile, “sorry.”

Returning his smile, and gripping his hand in hers, “it’s okay. To be honest, I thought you’d freak out more.”

Pulling her into his arms again, as he has missed having her there, not in a romantic way, as their relationship was never, and will never be like that, “I think I’m in shock. Give me a few minutes.”

Chuckling a little, but so happy and relieved to be able to just be with him for now, “I’d say take all the time you need, but Nick did say we have an hour.”

Sighing, he shifts so that they’re facing each other, but doesn’t let go of her hands, “ok. For now, I’ll put this new information off to the side. Let’s get back to the problem at hand.” and smiling as this gets an eye roll from her, “you said that you know about Laura and the kids?”

Matching his sigh, “yeah, I got to meet them five months after the Battle for New York. We headed up to the farm after your memorial.”

Grimacing, “did psych not want to clear Clint?”

Nodding, “no. They wanted to keep him off duty until they were a hundred percent certain he wasn’t going to turn on S.H.E.I.L.D. again. I had to convince Dr. Seaver to release him into my care, two months in. But she wouldn’t actually clear him for active duty until the five-month mark.”

“How did you keep him from going stir crazy?”

Rubbing her neck and smiling a little, “let’s just say that Tasha and I were in a constant state of soreness and the archery targets on my terrace may never recover.”

Grimace turning into a frown, “oh, Zoe. I’m sorry.” and getting up, he walks over to the credenza on the wall to the right of Fury’s desk, to pour them each a glass of the bourbon he knows that Fury keeps in the left-hand cabinet.

As he is pouring them each a glass, he looks over his shoulder and asks, “what was the meeting like? I’m assuming you and Clint told Laura about your relationship?”

Shifting on the couch, “the meeting was fine. Laura and the kids are great and getting to see that side of Clint and Tasha, was a real treat.”

Coming over to her, handing her a glass, “Zoe, I’m sure it was, but…”

Accepting the glass, she glares at him to keep him quiet, “Phil, I’m getting there okay?” and on his nod, she continues, “I wanted to tell Laura the first night we were there, but Clint just wanted to spend the night with everyone, without having to worry about having a fight with her. I made him promise that we would tell her the following day…” she trails off and takes a sip of her bourbon, staring at her glass once she’s finished.

“Zoe, what happened?”

Looking up at him, biting her bottom lip again, “the following morning, I got up late, well late for me and when I went down to the kitchen, Laura was there by herself…”

xxxx

_“Good morning, Laura.”_

_Turning around from the kitchen counter, coffee cup in hand, “oh Zoe, I thought you’d be asleep a little longer?”_

_Walking over to the fridge and opening it, “I haven’t been able to sleep past six, since I was ten years old.”_

_Spluttering a little, “ten? Zoe, how old are you if you don’t mind me asking?”_

_Turning around, Lactaid milk in hand, a small smile on her face, “I don’t mind, I’m thirty.”_

_Leaning heavily against the counter, “and here I thought it was only Natasha I have to feel sorry for. Is it a requirement or something that all S.H.E.I.L.D. agents have little to no childhood to speak of?”_

_Frowning, as she sets the milk on the counter so that she can pour herself a cup of coffee, “I wouldn’t say that I didn’t have a childhood. I just didn’t have a normal one.”_

_Raising an eyebrow, as she watches her pour the coffee into a mug, “I don’t get it. But then again, I don’t get a lot of what goes on in your world. To be honest, I don’t really like hearing about it.”_

_Turning to face Laura, she takes a sip of the coffee and after a couple of seconds of enjoying the taste of it, she opens her eyes, which she had closed after the first sip, to see Laura staring at her with a frown on her face, “what?”_

_Taking a sip of her own coffee, “you and Clint react the same way to your first cup of coffee. How long did you say that you’ve known him?”_

_Biting her bottom lip, “uh…”_

_She’s saved from having to answer as a shout comes from the direction of the stairs and a second later, Lila and Cooper come running around the corner into the kitchen, “mom! Auntie Nat said she would take us to breakfast. Can we go?!”_

_Looking over their heads towards where Natasha is standing, she smiles and refocusing on her kids, “yes. But please listen to everything she says and hold her hands when you cross the…”_

_“We will...we promise!” both kids shout, cutting her off as they turn and run towards the front door._

_“Zoe, call me if you need me.” Natasha says over her shoulder as she follows the kids out of the house._

_“Why would you need her?”_

_Zoe walks over to the kitchen table and instead of looking at Laura, she takes a seat and focuses on her coffee cup._

_Laura, sensing that this is something important and difficult for Zoe to talk about, follows her and takes a seat, as well. They sit in silence for a couple of minutes and just as she is about to break the silence, Zoe speaks up._

_“Did Clint tell you anything about me last night, other than what I told you when we were chatting over dinner?”_

_Shaking her head, “no. He didn’t mention anything except that you worked with him, Natasha and…”_

_“Phil.”_

_They both look over to where Clint is standing, leaning against the wall that separates the kitchen from the living room, “you can say his name Laura. I’m not going to break if we talk about him. Zoe and Tasha saw to that.”_

_Zoe watches as Laura smiles and gets up to go to him, but instead of watching her kiss him, she too gets up and heads over to the counter to pour a cup of coffee for Clint, ignoring the whispered conversation that Clint and Laura are having as they make their way over to the couch in the living room._

_She really tries not to listen, but she can only pretend to not listen for so long, and the gasp Laura lets out in reaction, is the loudest sound in the otherwise silent house._

_She immediately turns around to look at Laura and Clint and it is plain to see the anger and hurt on Laura’s face._

_However, before she can even say “I’m sorry,” Laura is up like a flash and is advancing on her. She braces herself for the slap she can see coming, but before Laura even has a chance to pull her hand back, Clint has his arms around her, “Zoe, go upstairs.”_

_“Clint let go of me.”_

_“Laura, please.”_

_“No. How dare you bring her into our home! You promised me that you wouldn’t do this again after Natasha…”_

_Struggling to keep Laura in his arms, “Zoe, go.”_

_She can’t even open her mouth to say anything, as the sight of him struggling to keep Laura away from her is rattling her even more than she thought it would. With a nod, she skirts around them and heads for the stairs. But the sounds of their fighting behind her, convince her to head outside instead of upstairs, and with tears in her eyes that she hadn’t even realized were there, she runs for the barn._


	14. Chapter 14

* * *

“Zoe, was this the last time you saw Clint?” brings her back to the present. 

She shifts out of his arms again, as he had pulled her into them during the story and with a nod and a sniffle, “yeah. After he fought with Laura, he came to find me. He wanted me to stay and work things out. But I knew that if I did, nothing good could come from it, so I left.”

Letting out a sigh and handing her the handkerchief that he keeps in his inside suit pocket, “you decided to take one for the team, as it were?”

A little taken aback by the anger she hears in his voice, “wait? Why are you getting angry at me?”

Scrubbing a hand over his face, “I’m not angry Zoe, I’m disappointed. I wasn’t happy that the two of you were sleeping together, but I did understand why.”

Wiping her eyes with the handkerchief, “okay, you’re disappointed and I’m glad you understand, but Phil, we’re both adults and…”

Smiling a little at the annoyance he can hear in her voice, “true. You are both adults. Which is why I had hoped that one of you would end it before someone got hurt. Instead, you’re having sex with my childhood hero to get over Clint and Clint is g-d knows where!”

Getting up from the couch, she walks over to the windows and as she focuses on the Washington Monument, “if I remember correctly, you’re the one who told me that you can’t help who you fall in love with.”

Sighing again, he too gets up from the couch and walking over to stand behind her, he places a hand on her shoulder, “I did. But Zoe, there was never a chance that he was going to leave Laura and the kids for you, as long as she agreed to take him back.”

Reaching up to grip his hand, she meets his eyes in the reflection, and letting out a breath which is more of a tiny sob, “I know and I can understand that. What I can’t understand is Clint going back on his word.”

Turning her to face him, “he wouldn’t do that.”

Smiling sadly, “I wouldn’t have thought so. But he did.”

Pulling her into his arms, “ok. Let’s say that I believe you, and he did in fact go back on his word. Which I still say he wouldn’t do. What did he do exactly?”

Hugging him back, she rests her head against his shoulder and as she focuses on a bird that has obviously zeroed in on some prey, “he told me that he would never let me be alone, even if Laura didn’t accept me and…”

Hugging her tighter, “and he didn’t come after you when you left and he still hasn’t.”

Nodding against his shoulder, “exactly.”

“That’s been an…oh. You really need to get going. Hill is waiting for you.”

Pulling away from Phil, Zoe looks from him, to the door, where Fury is now standing, and as she looks back at Phil, “will you be able to keep in touch?”

Straightening his suit, “if I can, I will.”

Raising an eyebrow as he walks over to the conference table that is to the left of his desk, “Coulson, that wasn’t part of the agreement.”

Glaring at Fury, as he holds out a hand to Zoe, “no sir, it wasn’t. But it’s not breaking any rules. She already knows I’m alive and you’ve sworn her to secrecy. We both know that she won’t say anything.”

Returning his glare, they have a silent stand off for a couple of seconds, before Fury realizes that he won’t be able to convince Phil to change his mind and with a sigh, “fine.”

Nodding, Phil turns to face Zoe, who is standing next to him, still holding his hand and he uses it to pull her into his arms, “we will continue this conversation.” and kissing her forehead, he looks her in the eyes, “for now, just know that you’re not alone. You have me and you have Natasha.”

Smiling at him, “thanks Phil.” and leaning in, she kisses his cheek, and as she pulls back, she looks over at Fury, “thank you, Nick.”

Focusing on his cell phone, “you’re welcome Dr. Novak. Coulson, I’ll see you later.”

Smiling and rolling her eyes, she refocuses on Phil, “be safe and call or text me when you can.”

Returning her smile, as she walks him to the door he originally entered the office from, “I will and I promise.”

“Coulson, did you remember to give it to her?”

Reaching into his pants pocket, “no. Here.”

Accepting the USB stick, “what’s this?”

Looking over her shoulder at Fury, and back to Zoe, “I, no, we need you to make sure that Natasha and Clint, when you see him next, watch this.”

Looking over her shoulder at Fury, who meets her gaze, but looks away quickly, and back at Phil, “I’ll ask again. What is it?”

Frowning, as he looks down at the USB stick in her hand, “videos that I recorded for the three of you.”

Realizing what he means, she tries to hand it back, “no Phil. No. I won’t do this.”

“You’ll do it _agent_ Novak, because they need to keep believing that agent Coulson is dead.”

Just as she is about to respond to him, Phil places a hand on her shoulder and squeezing gently, “Zoe, please.”

Meeting his eyes, she recognizes the look of pleading in them. In response, she lets out a huff of anger and as she pockets the USB stick, “okay. But Phil, this is just wrong. You know as well as I do that sooner rather than later, Stark is going to figure out that you’re still alive and then the whole team will know and it’s not going to work out well for any of us.”

Pulling her in for one last hug, “I know.”

Returning his hug, “you owe me so much for this. They’re going to hate me when they find out that I knew all along.”

Frowning again, but stepping back from her, “they won’t hate you, Zoe. If anything, they’ll hate me. But this is what has to be done.”

With that, he turns and walks away from her. She watches him walk down the hidden corridor until she can’t see him anymore, and as she turns to walk over to the conference table, “sir, about…”

Talking right over her, “Dr. Novak, I’m pulling you from the mission tomorrow.”

Sitting down, “but sir, I…”

Glaring at her, “I’m reshuffling some things and moving you to a long term undercover op with Doctors Without Borders, via the Stark Relief Foundation.”

Completely taken aback at the sudden change, but not having missed the fact that he has yet to look at her, “sir, if this has anything to do with what happened this weekend. You don’t have to worry about it interfering with my work.”

Sighing, he finally looks at her and leaning back in his chair, “secure office.”

A minute later, he steeples his fingers and looks directly at her, “Zoe, I don’t doubt that. But that has nothing to do with this. There are things happening, other than Coulson coming back from the dead, that are concerning me and right now I need you away from everything S.H.E.I.L.D.”

Frowning, “will I be on my own for this op?”

Raising an eyebrow, “at first, yes. You’ll report directly back to me. Everything is in this.” He hands over a briefing packet and as she accepts it, “the contact protocols are in there, along with all the other pertinent information.”

Opening the packet, she quickly scans the top-sheet and looking up at him, “you’re sending me to China?” and looking down at the top-sheet again, “as a doctor and nothing more?”

Chuckling, “there are some missions that are simply a chance for us to do some good. Stark mentioned the other day that Ms. Potts is putting together a team of doctors and relief workers to help a subsidiary of one of their companies that was destroyed during the recent floods.”

She looks up at him again and as she closes the packet, “will you still allow Phil to contact me while I’m on mission?”

Shrugging, “yes. I know what he’s like when he doesn’t get his way and like he keeps reminding me. I owe him.”

Smiling a little, “I guess you do.” and getting up from the table, “is there anything else you need to tell me?”

Nodding, “no. There’s nothing else. Just stay safe and brush up on your Mandarin on the flight over.”

Returning his nod, “yes sir, I’ll make sure to do so.” With that she leaves the office and heads for the women’s locker room. Retrieving her bag, she heads for her sleeping quarters, where she starts the process of refreshing her go-bag.

xxxx

Just as she is finishing her packing, she smiles to herself as her door bangs open to reveal Natasha standing there with a frown on her face.

Before she can say anything though, “Fury’s sending you out on a mission.”

Zipping up her go-bag, “it’s a humanitarian mission. Nothing more.”

Walking over to her side, she turns Zoe to face her, “nothing more?”

Pulling Natasha in for hug, something that she knows is a risky move, but is one that she is willing to take, “nothing more. In fact, I’m out.”

Pulling away from her, raising an eyebrow, “what do you mean you’re out?”

Sitting down on the bed, next to her go-bag, looking up at Natasha, “Fury has erased me from all of S.H.E.I.L.D.’s systems.”

Sitting down next to her, “why would he do that? You didn’t ask him to, did you?”

Shaking her head, she reaches into her bag for the briefing packet, and as she hands it to Natasha, “no, I didn’t ask him to. I’m happy here. As to why he did it, I have no idea, but why does he do anything he does?”

Chuckling a little, “good point.” and quickly skimming the top-sheet of the briefing packet, “you’re going to be working for Stark? In Sichuan, China?”

Shrugging, “well, not directly for Tony. But his foundation.” and remembering the other reason why she had been called into Fury’s office, “Tasha, there was another reason why Fury wanted to see me.”

Zeroing in on the USB stick in her hand, “Zoe, why do you have Phil’s favorite USB stick?”

Sighing, she holds it out, the one that has a mini replica of captain America’s shield on it, the one that she knew, she just knew that both Clint and Natasha would know, was Phil’s the moment they saw it, “Fury gave it to me.”

Recoiling from her as if she had just been hit, “no. I won’t look at what is on there.”

Frowning and gripping the USB stick a bit harder than she means to, “Tasha, it was with Phil’s things and from what Fury told me, there are messages on it for us.”

Matching her frown, “have you watched it yet?”

Resting a hand on Natasha’s shoulder, “no. I haven’t. I didn’t think I could do it without you or Clint.”

Reacting to the emotion she hears in Zoe’s voice, “I’m sorry Zoe. I just…”

Squeezing her shoulder, “I know. Me too.”

Taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly, “okay. Do you have your StarkPad?”

Nodding, she reaches into the side pocket of her go-bag and as she pulls out her StarkPad, “did you notice that Pepper finally got her way with this?” she asks.

Accepting the StarkPad from her, smiling, “yes. Stark was not happy when the contract went through with _Samsung_. He likes having his name on things and I hear that it took a lot of convincing on Pepper’s part to allow for _Samsung’s_ name to be on it instead of his.”

Handing the USB stick to Natasha, “I don’t know how she puts up with Tony. But I guess the saying is true, love really is blind.”

Inserting the USB stick, “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” and opening the files on the screen, “but, that’s a conversation for another time.”

“Tasha, you can’t just say something like that and leave me hanging.”

Resting the StarkPad on her lap, she stares at Zoe, who rolls her eyes, but nods and with a smile, Natasha picks up the StarkPad again and as she focuses on the screen, “well, you were right. There’s a video here for each of us.”

Swallowing hard, as keeping the secret about the fact that Phil is still alive has never been more difficult than it is right now, she balls up her fists as tight as she can, so that she won’t slip up when she says, “okay. Let’s start with yours. Unless you want to view it alone?”

Looking up from the screen, frowning at the look that is on Zoe’s face, “you know, if it was fourteen years ago, I’d say that I would. But,” she takes Zoe’s hand in hers, “now, I think I don’t want to.”

With that she taps on the video file labeled “Natasha” and as Phil’s face fills the screen, the only sound in the room is their combined in-drawn breaths.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far. I'm sorry to leave it here. But I'm working on editing the next part in the series, still. As soon as I have it where I want it, I'll post it in one go.
> 
> Thanks again.


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